Reflections-Resolutions

Today is new years eve. We dont have many or any traditions for this time of year but I do like watching the ball drop. Im up til 11 or 11:30 these days so its not going to be hard for me to stay up but Peter thinks its such a dumb tradition to kiss at midnight. So Ill just kiss Nonah, if shes up.

I never really took the time to look back over the past year before but now that Im a mama I guess I have become more sentimental. We have been so stretched this past year. As you mamas know the beautifully challenging task of parenthood will do that to you. There has been other things that have caused us to grow. We have had a few family struggles, my brother is an alcoholic and has had two DUIs in one year. Things have happened to make me look back at my childhood and question how I am going to parent and whats important to me. Grandparents health is deteriorating, new babies, a wedding, and two engagements. My in-laws are moving to another state, 11 hours away which is exciting and sad all at the same time. Me and Noni went to the beach 4 times this summer, made quite a few mama and babe friends, I have a great community of like minded mamas that support me whenever needed. Overall its been a lovely year filled with lots of blessings. No big tragedies or anything.

BUT we have become unsettled. We have had contentment at times but long for more in life. We are learning so much about ourselves and what makes us tick and what we desire in life. Its cool how becoming a parent has changed us so much as individuals. Me especially, I have gained so much confidence in myself from becoming a mom. We have lots of hopes and dreams for the year ahead.

I have a few resolutions I want to share with you!
* exercise more- cheesy I know but for real I want and need to-I don’t consider it a necessity like I should.
* I want to actually sit and watch movies instead of always doing something while they are on. - I need to take that time to relax and rejuvenate.
* I want to take more time to actually play with Nonah.-My imagination is practically non-existent so I am working on it.
* To stand up for myself more. In all situations.- Im a people pleaser so I can be pretty wishy-washy and I dont like that.
* To stay in touch with my creative side.
* To just let it go.
* Pray with Peter regularly.
* Smile more!
* Love, Love, love!!!

Im praying for more grace, patience, peace, wisdom, and direction in all the parenting decisions that need to be made in the year ahead.

Blessings to all of you lovely readers in the year ahead!! Hey drop me a line Id love to hear some of your resolutions!! Peace!

Our Christmas!

Check it out here!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

EVERYONE!!

What we believe~

Christmas is such a beautiful time of year. I don’t like the cold but I love the idea of curling up in front of a fire with a hot cup of java and enjoying the ambient of a lit Christmas tree and candles and hanging out with family. There is nothing like it.
Within this past year Peter and I have been evolving and changing into simpler people. Simpler than we were. We just don’t care about the same things as a lot of our society does. Material things are meaningless to us. Yes we each have our wish list of some things that would be nice to have but there is not much that we really need and we are ok without it. We want to live even simpler than we are.
I do love shopping for loved ones and finding the perfect gift but I’m realizing a lot of times I would just buy something in order to have a present for someone even if its not something I’m sure they would like. What a waste of money that is. I am trying to be purposeful this year. I love the idea of making things for people and I already have some ideas for next Christmas. I do enjoy getting presents too that’s for sure but who doesn’t and if you say you don’t I just can’t believe you.

That was a little bunny trail because that was not at all what I was going to write about. Anyway. Christmas. I wanted to share what we believe about Christmas and what we plan to teach our children. Christmas is supposed to be a celebration of Jesus birth and how he came to this earth to save us all right? That’s a good thing to celebrate and for those that do so as unto the Lord that’s great. But we believe as Christians we are supposed to celebrate Jesus’ birth every single day of our lives. To acknowledge who He is and what He did for us and in our words and actions show praise and thankfulness to Him every day. Not just once a year. I have also heard that Jesus wasn’t even born in December and that the story of the three wisemen is only half true because they came a long time after he was born. The history is all mixed up and I don’t even really care about little details like that but why should I tell that story to my kids when I know its not correct? I will simply go right to the bible. Christmas isn’t mentioned in the bible. It’s a man-made holiday probably with good intentions but has since gotten out of hand.

I want to look up more info on the history of Christmas and how the Christmas tree was started and candy canes and all that stuff. That kind of stuff has nothing to do with Jesus and he couldn’t care less about stuff like that. There is nothing wrong with them don’t get me wrong but I just wonder why we all do what we do? So many of us just do things because our parents did it or its what everyone else did. Well I want to know why and have an answer for my kids when they ask why we do what we do.
As for Santa, we are not telling our kids about the north pole, the naughty/nice list, or coming down the chimney and making them believe in something only to find out its not real. A friend made a good point and said she told her kids about St. Nick and how he’s a nice old man who helped children who didn’t have much. I like that. In the future if my kids want to sit on his lap at the mall that’s fine but we’re not promoting it.

So as my husband says “Christmas is all about the presents”. That’s why we as 25 and 27 year olds are still excited about Christmas Day. The food and family and festive traditions are fun too! You may think that is a selfish perspective but think about it. Why do you do what you do? What makes what we do on Christmas a celebration of Jesus birth? Hmmm????

To sum it up, we love Jesus and are so thankful for His birth, resurrection, and salvation and we praise Him for that every day!! We do not believe Santa Clause to be an important or worth while thing to share with our children but will probably tell them the story of St. Nick. We do not celebrate Christmas as a Christian holiday but as a fun and beautiful time of year with silly but harmless traditions just like other holidays!!

Venting...

to some understanding mamas! I wrote at a few different times and kept deleting and loosing my train of thought and purpose of the post so I decided to post it anyway. If it doesn't make sense, sorry. I feel better at night if I complain/vent about the day even if its to no one. But venting to mamas who understand is the best!!
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Noni is teething, teething teething. I guess that’s what it is anyway. For the past two weeks or more she has been sleeping horribly. Waking up a lot, crying when she wakes, kicking her arms and legs. And nursing more than 20 times a day. She usually can go a while without nursing especially when we are out in public. Now I’m surprised when we make it 2 hours. Then she can’t just nurse calmly and gently she has to play and switch sides and put her foot in my face, etc.
BUT I am dealing. She is going through a lot right now and she will be through it eventually. Just when you have somewhat of a routine it gets all mixed up.
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Parenting is so hard. It totally rocks your world. You have to give all of yourself and then some. Taking care of a little one who relies on you for everything is so challenging and exhausting. I just want some peace and quiet, a couple hours of “ME” time. There is a long list of things that I am sick of about parenting and that frustrates me, but there is so much more that I love about it.
Nonah is an amazing little girl. She has taught me so much. I love being her mom. When I am away from her I miss her so much.

Reading things like this is what gets me through!!Remembering how important my job is right now. I love it!!
So peace to you mamas!!!

A day in the life of...

NONAH MAE !!!

*She loves mittens but only inside*

*She helps me unload the dishwasher*

*She always sits on the counter and watches me cook*

*Her new fav is coloring*

Super Nanny

So I am trying to process what I just saw on Super Nanny. I don’t usually watch it but was flipping through and heard her say how the boy needs to get out of his parents bed, intrigued I stayed and watched for a while. She had them do a sleep training session with him. They played in his room with some of his favorite toys for him to get used to the room and then that night they put him in his crib and they were supposed to actively ignore him. The mom sat in his room on the floor like 3 feet away from his crib facing away from him and was supposed to sit there and ignore him until he went to sleep. The mom sat there crying herself and the little boy started yelling he was dying. It took 33 minutes til he laid down and went to sleep. But then every time he woke up in the night she was supposed to go in and sit down and ignore him.
Super Nanny referred to it as a bad habit and a cycle that needs to be broken. Its so rude for us adults to think of it this way. Kids are expected to be in their own room and sleeping through the night before they are even a year old these days and why? So mom and dad get a good night sleep. So we should do whatever it takes to get that. I understand sleep is important and needed but so is your child. Important. And needed. He has wants, needs, feelings, fears, etc, etc, and they don’t just stop at night. Well what about the child?

While watching I got mad. And sad. But then I was thinking about it and I’m not sure what age he was but he was talking so he was at least two and by that point I would want to at least be close to her getting out of our bed. (I think) But I want to do that in a way that is smooth and gentle. So sleep is a soothing, comforting thing for her. I try and look at all situations from her perspective and how she feels and then go from there.

In processing all of this sleep stuff it makes me think about my sleep history. I remember being scared a lot of the time when I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep with my door shut because it was too scarey, I had to be under the covers even if I was hot because otherwise someone could get me, I feared getting out of bed that someone was there to get me. All kinds of silly fears like that. In 7th grade I went through a long streak of not being able to sleep and felt ashamed to tell anyone. I was too scared to sleep. I would go into my brothers room so I wasn’t alone or just lay awake, sweating, praying, scared until I fell asleep. I don’t know why I had all these fears. I watched too much junk on TV maybe? Or I wasn’t taught that sleep was a safe and good thing. I dont know why and will never know. But I do know I want sleep to be a good and easy thing for my girl now and later on in life.

Some thoughts

Just a little update before you read this post. I dont remember if I shared about our present situation. We are trying to sell our house inorder to move into an apartment (not have a mortgage), save as much money as possible, and then move out west. (Like MT or OR) The house has been on the market since September.

Okay read on!!

I feel like I am seeing some of Gods reasoning for preventing our house from selling. There are a lot of reasons we wanted to move out of state. Some of them simply because of our deep desire to travel and see-the-world and because its beautiful out there, but also because we want space from family, we want to not be in such a financial struggle and we want to find new opportunities. All valid reasons right. But if I step back and think about it all these reasons could be looked at as running away instead of dealing with it. As I have learned in the past life lessons are not always fun and comfortable and easy. God is teaching us in this time of waiting.

The family thing. We are very close with both sides of our family and that is a good thing but sometimes it seems like there is this unsaid pressure to be a certain way or do certain things and if we don’t do them then we are the weirdos of the family. And although I love being different I also would like to be understood and accepted just the way I am. To have like minded friends and people to encourage me instead of pick on me. I also feel like it would just be so much easier to not have to answer to anyone, family is always in each others business. But being accountable to someone makes us stronger and keeps us in check. So by not running away from that pressure I feel will only make me stronger. Make me stand firm in my beliefs and how we want to live our lives no matter who approves or doesn’t approve.

The financial thing. A mortgage, bills, necessities, and the random things that pop up every month all on one income is harder than we thought. Im going to be honest, it sucks!! But God always provides! We have had to humble ourselves and ask for help at times but we always seem to have enough. Its pretty amazing to see how much we spend and how much comes in, its always enough. But we don’t buy any extras, we don’t go out to eat, no dates, no fun. We just don’t want to live like this forever and don’t see how we could get out of it with out moving.

The new opportunities thing. I have so many ideas of things I want to do, be a part of and I feel like its impossible to do here. Partly because this is where I grew up and I feel like there is no options around here. Also I feel like family members would judge me. I have always struggled with worrying about what other people might think and Im working on overcoming that. I have to go out and find opportunities and I shouldn’t let anyone stop me no matter what.

By going through this time of waiting and trusting Gods perfect timing it has really made me rely on Him in ways I have never had to do before. I feel like I am learning so much about myself and how to stay true to who God made me to be. How to rely on Him not only for my spiritual needs but my physical needs as well.
I'm not saying I don't want to go, I would be ready tomorrow, but I am waiting patiently. Im growing, soaking, and learning so much and ultimatly I'm waiting for God's que to tell me my next step in life!

Mommyhood

Big HUGE gigantic sigh!......I am bummed. I created this blog inorder to feel free to blog about all my trials and tribulations, ups and downs, and questions and concerns of motherhood and I just don't write. I don't have the time or once I do have time I am too tired to write. Most of the things I want to write about I feel are so silly and I think who would want to read about that. I am not a whiner but I feel like thats all I do on my blog is whine or complain about something. I feel like many bloggers are so positive and happy all the time and can find joy in anything. That is something I am working on but its not my reality. I am up and down and struggle to stay at a steady level emotionally and spiritually. All that being said. I do like having this space to just share my thoughts and get them out there. I have no idea how many people read this blog but it doesn't matter.

So. My state right now is...all over the place. I am loving the holidays and all that it intails, I am enjoying staying home and finding creative projects to do to keep me busy. We have cable now and I am enjoying being able to watch TV for pretty much the first time in my life. (growing up we had 3, 6 and 10 and thats it because we lived in the boonies) I am so in love with my Noni girl it hurts. BUT at the same time she is driving me CRAZY. Uhg...shes so clingy, nursing all the time, not eating anything good for her, increasing her whining inorder to tell me what she wants because its all she knows and she knows it works, nursing all night long, not sleeping well, just getting over being sick, was teething last 5 weeks. Lets see what else...she is in to everything that is not a toy because toys are boring, tantrums when doesn't get what she wants are thrown left and right and family memebers are calling her spoiled and naughty.

There...that feels a little better. I know shes trying to figure things out and shes learning so much right now but I just can't take it some days. It doesn't help that my hubby works long days and 7 days a week right now because he sells christmas trees. It gives me a little taste of what being a single mom is like. Although Peter does come home he only spends a short amount of time with her and then its bed time and only I can put her to bed. I have practically no time to myself.

These are the moments I start to second guess myself and feel like I am doing everything wrong. Like its my fualt shes such a wild thing and I have created this mamas-milk addict and I don't know what to do about it. Im feeling very helpless right now. I know I have done the right thing in choosing to attachment parent but at this stage Im feeling very frazzled. And stuck.

Big HUGE gigantic sigh!

BFF

So my bff from high school moved to New York to go to college once we graduated and hasn’t been back since except for holidays. She is now living in DC and doesn’t think she’ll ever move back here. Good for her I say, but I miss her. The cool thing is that we can pick up where we left off and chat for hours when we see each other. I forget sometimes by not being with her for such long periods of time why we were best friends but am reminded very quickly after bonding over a cup of coffee at our fave café and talking about our boys, clothes, life, work, our moms, etc. It was so fun to be with her again. To be with someone who knows how I used to be and can see how I am now, how I have grown and changed and won’t judge me but loves me for who I am. The journey of life has taken us down different paths completely but that’s okay we can still be friends. I cherish our moments together.

I remember how we used to finish each others sentences, when shopping we’d pick the same piece of clothing without even knowing it. We used to say that we’ll be best friends forever, move to New York city, our kids would be best friends, and that when we are old ladies we’d live right next to each other. Although I don’t know if any of that will happen I do hope we are still friends when we are old ladies!!

You know you have a true friend when after being graduated from high school for 7 years now we are still in touch and make an effort to see each other. I don’t talk to anyone else from high school except for my bff. Love you Andi!!

So many changes...

Noni is just growing up so fast. I can not believe how much she is going through right now. She is getting teeth in like all the time. Shes getting over a little cold. She is starting to say words like uh oh, ba-bye, hi, mommy and mama, dada, and la you. She is walking great but starting to run and she still falls a lot. Shes starting to do steps really well. She can walk down one with out holding on and with out falling. She understands so much of what I say and wants to follow the instructions that I give her. She wants to help me with everything which makes it take twice as long. She is starting to love books and really sits and looks at the pictures. Her hair is getting so long. We are not weaning yet but it is being thought about. (bitter sweet) She is just changing so much right in front of my eyes. Its amazing and beautiful to see.

I write this post though to express my empathy for her. She is going through so much and I forget that sometimes. I want to remember how hard it must be for her to not be able to express her opinion or communicate easily. I sort of know what she wants but sometimes I just don't. She doesn't understand why I want her to do something or why she can't do something else. She is curious, adventurous, and wants to do everything mommy does.

It is my goal as a mom to respect my children and their opinion. To validate every emotion good, bad, and ugly. Even at this young age she has a right to be heard and accepted. I read in one of the Sears books that it is okay to cry and get the emotion out. Just like you would for an adult, you let them cry but you are there to comfort them, not shush them.

I find myself allowing certain things Nonah does to bother me when I am around certain people, specifically the older generation, because I feel like they think Im not disciplining her enuogh. I feel like they are "right" when I am with them. I forget that wait a minute she is a person with feelings and opinions and has every right to not want to sit in the cart. Shes a toddler of course she wants to touch everything. The idea of talking to your child and telling them what the plan is instead of simply making them do it is so new to my mom. Communication is key in every relationship including parent child relationships. Then the whole spoiled thing...so what if she is spoiled shes my daughter and I can spoil her if I want to. Right?

I am so thankful that Peter is on the same page and is so sensitive to her. I come home after times of confusion and he brings me back to what we believe and have decided to do as parents. I love that he always makes me feel better. And I love my Noni girl!!

What is healthy?

I hear so many different sides to the same story and still can not figure out what is the truth. There is much talk about the vegetarian, vegan, and raw diet and how good it makes a person feel and in the long run it is so good for you to not eat animal products. Our body doesn’t need it we just think we need it. Or we are misinformed because the western culture has gone so off track with their eating habits. Then I hear that vegetarians are missing some vital nutrition and they actually do not live longer than us meat eaters.

I don’t know what to think. I know God created us to be vegetarians in the garden of eden but then because of the fall of man blood was shed and man began to eat meat. And then the rest is history. But what is best for us now? Certainly not Burger King. But now neither is the veggies you get at the grocery store because who knows what was sprayed on them or how long they‘ve been sitting there or where they even came from. You can’t trust anything anymore because so many people are just trying to make money and the result becomes not so important. They loose sight of the integrity of what they are selling.

Organic and local is the way to go right? I would love love love to go that route. I really would but the budget these days on a one income household just will not cover it. And my husband would love to also but it just seems impossible to eat all natural all the time. The other thing is breaking those old habits that you were raised on and that crap food that is just soooo good. Like cheese curls or bacon or ring bologna, ooo zebra cakes. Its hard to give up the convenience of fast/frozen food today. Preparing good fresh food is a commitment and lots of work. Many hours in the kitchen which is hard now with a little one.

We are taking baby steps though. We have been juicing for a few months now which is great for the whole family. We only eat a simple frozen meal once a week. We seriously never eat at fast food places except for an occasional taco bell because we both like it and its cheap. We don’t necessarily eat meat every single night even though my husband would prefer to. I don’t know I feel like we do pretty good. I just can not completely eliminate something for ever without having a really good reason.(ex. Celiac) I do feel convicted at times for what I eat but then I just let go and think we aren’t going to live forever right. I can do my best to eat healthy but I’m not going to stress about the occasional junk food binge. I’m just not.

Parenting Extremes (edited)

So I had two different experiences this weekend involving a parent and child relationship. I was saddened by one and frustrated by the other.
The first was at a cute little café my husband and I decided to go to on a rainy day. I wanted to drop Nonah off at my sister in laws but her son was sick so we decided to give it a try and just take her with. Well as soon as we sat down there was a little girl about 4 years old who came running from the back room. She ran up to Nonah and was giggling and touched her face and her hand and sort of hugged her and then went running back. Okay fine that was cute what a friendly girl right? Well she did it again and again and the dad who was on his cell phone proceeded to follow her and stand right by our table just watching his daughter touch and hug Nonah. He eventually grabbed a seat right next to us and started talking to us while Nonah and this girl banged on the window and followed each other around. Sounds fine right? Well if any of you know my husband you know that he’s not the sit-down-and-chat- with-a-stanger kind of guy. We were on a date ya know. We wanted to chat and bond and maybe hold hands and have an enjoyable family time but we couldn’t even talk without this guy hearing everything. And the little girl would not talk to me or say a word she just giggled. At one point Nonah tried to get away from her because she was just too much. Then she started banging on the window so of course Nonah did too which in a quiet little café was really loud.

So…we left feeling very annoyed and bummed. It just seemed like the dad had no say in the relationship. I’m all about gentle parenting I really am. I think communicating and explaining is important and a little give and take instead of all take is okay. But you don’t let your child do whatever they want, especially in a public place. I might not have minded as much if Peter wasn’t with me but I knew it was bothering him so it bothered me too.

Then I was at a children’s clothing sale where a mom was looking for her son. He was hiding in the clothing rack right in front of me and someone else pointed him out to her. Once he came out she proceeded to very loudly yell at him and tell him that that was not good and you don’t do that and you don’t get a toy and they were looking down stairs for him etc. He was crying and she said yes you should cry that was very bad.

So…I understand she was probably scared herself not knowing where her son was but how she handled it was obnoxious and made me sad. She made him feel horrible instead of explaining how she felt and why its not good to do that and humiliated him in front of everyone. I don’t know how I will handle it if I ever misplace my child but putting them down is not the best way.

I have been thinking a lot about discipline these days since I am at the beginning stages of it with Nonah and I am more and more feeling led to not spank. Peter and I are discussing it, thinking about it, and praying about it. It has been engrained in us that it is biblical and necessary to raise well behaved Godly children. So thinking of other ways is new for us but now that we have a child we have become very sensitive to her and her feelings, her needs, and her personality. It is so amazing to see not only how sensitive I am to Nonah and her cries but to see Peter be so sensitive to her sometimes even more than I am. It is so sweet. I just can not even imagine spanking her bare butt. It would break my heart and that there makes me wonder why I would do then. Now Im sure she is going to do some bad things in her life and need to be corrected and punished but we will have to come up with other ways to accomplish that. I still don’t know though. I have to be on the same page with Peter and we just don’t know what page that is yet. This is yet another stage to accept, process, and get through in parenting. I am learning so much.

This article has really opened my eyes and challenged what I once believed. Check it out. http://gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/elizabethp/p1.php

the last post contd...

More unknown. I'm so ready to have another baby but it just isn't happening. Every one says its from me still nursing and if I would just stop it would happen. But Im wondering if God is preventing me from getting pregnant for some unknown reason. Because wacky hormomes or not God could make it happen if he wanted to. Peter and I thought we would have all our kids close together and kind of get it done with. But our plan isn't working out the way we thought. Which is totally okay because I know know know Gods timing is perfect. And Im just not ready to stop nursing yet. I want to night wean but I want to do it gently. I really want to just follow Nonahs lead and let her nurse as long as she wants even if its another year. But Im just not sure I want to wait that long to get pregnant. I do feel some pressure from family to stop nursing but Im trying to ignore that and listen to my own instincts and Nonahs. In the big picture she will be done nursing really soon maybe I just need to wait. See I feel better already.

My mom said something to me this week when I was venting to her. She said stop trying to plan and just live. As much as we aren't planners I do over think things sometimes, well alot of the time. I need to just enjoy this time while it lasts. So thanks mom.

Oh yea, the church we visited last week was great. Seems very holy spirit driven and worshipful which is what we were looking for. But you can't always tell from the first impression so we will be going back again this week. I'm praying it will be a good fit. We'll see.

Uhhhh, this life is so crazy but I love it. Im gonna live it up!

LiFe

Man its been a long time. I have not been writing much these days.
Noni has not been going down too easily at night and then once she is I’m too sleepy to write and just want to veg. Also there is a lot going on spiritually and physically right now. Peter and I are at a weird place right now. We feel so ready for a change but also okay with staying where we are at. It has a lot to do with finances but some to do with the dreams we have. Dreams for our lives that we want to be fulfilled now but may not be able to happen for many many years. So we are kind of at a stand still right now. We are waiting patiently for God to show us what the next move is. We truly are okay with both possibilities. Now maybe He has a whole other idea we are aware of but that’s okay we are flexible.

Mission work is something that is still in the back of my mind. I would love to minister to kids. Or women. But I also have these other ideas of becoming a childbirth educator or getting into photography. There are so many possibilities in this crunchy, homebirth, natural-living, community that I have found. And because I have found them and these ideas keep popping into my head not going away and the fact that I finally found something that interests me makes me feel like its possibly part of Gods plan for me. I am praying about it and again waiting for God to give me the go ahead.

We are also looking for a church. I am so ready to find a place to just settle in. Get cozy and comfy, soak and receive. I feel like we are going to be doing ministry at some point in our life (hopefully soon) so we might as well get filled up as much as possible now. I want to learn more about God and receive more and find a place where people are truly excited for God! We will be checking one out this Sunday that seems exactly what we are looking for but I don’t want to get my hopes up too soon. We’ll see.

Birth Stories Gathering

So my midwife is amazing. (Risingmoonmidwifery.com- check it out) She is not only a fantastic midwife she is a friend. She hosts Moms meetings at her house once a month and every now and then she hosts a Birth Stories Gathering. Where mamas (usually her clients and ususally a home birth but not neccessarily) come and share their stories with like minded mamas. It is so amazing to gather with other women and talk about something so important, amazing, life changing and beautiful.
Women can be very harsh and cliquey at times but in this particular setting you feel so loved and accepted. So understood. So safe to be you. So validated. It really is was an amaziing time today. I did share today even though it was being recorded and I was so glad I did. But I feel like I missed and left out so much. I am a horrible story teller so I knew I would leave some things out so I wanted to process and share them here. They might be random and scattered and Im sorry for that but my birth story is on the right under "my Noni girl" so that will catch you up.

I heard of Kate my midwife through a friend and felt pretty strongly about not birthing at a hospital simply because of the stories I had recently heard. I didn't want to be looked at a women with a medical condition but as a women having a baby. I wanted to be seen, heard, understood, encouraged, and involved in all decisions. I didn't want to be just another patient. I wanted one on one time with the person who was going to deliver my baby. I really loved the idea of one person going through each and every step of this process with me. Not who ever was on the clock at the time. One women referred to her hospital birth experience as a one night stand because you dont even know your doctor since there are so many different ones. I love that. I mean it is sad but its the reality.

One thing I absolutly loved about my midwife was how layed back she was at my appointments and when in labor. She really really gave you free reign to be yourself, do what you want, listen to your own body, heart and baby. Our bodies know what they are doing and Kate really encourages and allows you to listen to them. In the moment it was difficult because I wanted to be told what to do since this was my first time but looking back I am so thankful for that freedom.

I have noticed a pattern in lots of peoples birth story and that is it did not go how they planned it. It was not this amazing, mellow, spiritual birth that they hoped for. I would say mine did not go as planned either. I didn't have a whole lot planned because Kate warned me that the chances of it happening exactly how I wanted were pretty slim. It's impossible to plan the little things like what position or what time of day it will happen. Especially your first birth you just can't know how you are going to deal with it. That is one thing I am disappointed in is how negative I was. I was miserable (well duh you say) but I didn't want to be miserable. I wanted to embrace it and endure it with peace and power. That being said I am proud of myself and that I did it. I guess after 3 days of labor I have a right to be miserable but I just didn't handle it like I expected.

I was surprised at my lack of emotion when I initially pushed her out. It was probabl for all that I described in the paragraph above. I did not cry I was just sooooo relieved. I was so happy she was out and amazed by the whole thing. It was awesome but just felt so good to have her out. To hold her for the first time was the coolest thing ever and I wish I could flash back to that moment and soak it up again because it was just indescribable.

I was also surprised at how I felt about my husband. We knew all along that we wanted it to be just us and we didn't want a doula. We wanted to experience it on our own especially since it was our first time. But now looking back my husband didn't really do much to help. He did make my meals the 2 days I was in early labor. But he slept a lot when I couldn't so that made me mad. I had to get my own yogurt. Then when I was in active labor his hands were way to rough. Jill the assistant knew exacyly where to message and spoke so softly and was just so comforting. To his credit he did wet a wash clothe and pat me down and that felt great. I was so glad he was there and was able to catch her though. He actually teared up when she came out.

It is so amazing what having a natural birth does to a women. I never really understood what they meant by it when women reffered to it as an empowering experience but now I do. I think it has to do with all the hormones that are involved in birth but you just get this high initially and then happy and then pride. Like I did it. I yes I I I did it. I felt every minute of it and I pushed my 10 pound baby out. I feel like I can do anything now. I feel like I have walked into my identity. Like for some reason I have a brand new confidence in myself and who I am. It is so cool.

And lastly I just love that I have been able to experience such an amazing birth and that God directed my path so I could find Kate because she truly is a Godsend. I love the homebirth community that I am a part of and how real we can be. Theres not many moments where I feel so safe and accepted!!! Amazing!

Having an open mind

This is something I have been thinking about lately and want to just process it here. I feel like this could be a touchy subject but I’m going to try to express my point.

As Christians we can tend to be seen as judgmental and hypocritical. There are many things in this world that because of what the bible has revealed to us who believe it to be the truth of God is unacceptable for us to partake in. That being said there is one important thing the bible tells us to do that a lot (not all) of Christians forget to do. They don’t realize how important it is and that is to Love. It’s in the commandments to love your neighbor as yourself and its in the New Testament that no matter what you do in this world without love you are nothing. Love is described so beautifully in 1 Corinthians 13. It is all throughout the bible and it is so much more than what the world thinks of love.

That brings me to having an open mind. Having an open mind is not accepting everything as good and right but understanding that we are all at different places in life and have come from different back grounds. Having an open mind is knowing that we all have to make our own decisions and releasing people to do that even if you disagree with it. Having an open mind is to know that looks do not matter but it’s the heart that does. Having an open mind is seeing people the way God sees them. Having an open mind is going against what our instinct says to do which is judge. Having an open mind is to love. I could go on but you get the picture. I think to have an open mind you need to be in tune with God because it is our human nature to judge, criticize, and not look at the bigger picture. Only Jesus who is the perfect picture of love can teach us how to have an open mind and love like He did.

I want to love better. I want to love the unlovely. I want to see a person the way God sees them not through our worldly stereotypes. I want to be able to show Jesus’ love and kindness to everyone I come in contact with. I want to have an open mind!!!

*Creativity*

Creativity~ Such a beautiful word. And a beautiful gift. I am so thankful that I am creative. You know when you are creative when you can look at a simple scrap of fabric and picture how it could be used to decorate a tank top. Or a skirt that is too small could be cut and turned into 2 different purses. Or maybe you can picture how a room could be rearrange to make more space. Etc. Etc. If you can turn something into something else you are creative. I am creative but in my own unique way. I'm not the best sewer so things have to be simple, but these days simple is in. Simple is good.

So I am trying to talk myself in to maybe possibly starting an Etsy shop. I don't know though. Im not really into doing mass quantities of things but I have made some Moby wraps which I think I could sell and then just random things that come to mind. I like the idea of upcycleing and kind of revamping something into something else. Just something Im thinking about and praying about. Any advice??

My dreadies

Its been 2 months since I got these bad boys done and let me tell you it has been interesting. I totally love them most of the time but every now and then I want to just chop them off. Not all of them just certain ones. Ones that aren’t cooperating and aren’t felting up properly. You see the back of my head is really curly and has taken to the dreads really well. But the sides of my head the hair is smoother and just wavey so those dreads are not doing so well. They are frizzy and stick out and I hate them. I also don’t like the proportion of some of them. That is why I never wear them down any more when I go out. I always put a scarf in and put it back. I’m trying to be patient and trust that time will do them good and they will only get better. So there will be no chopping yet.

It is interesting not being able to “fix” my hair like most people do where you can put it exactly how you want it. With dreads they have a mind of their own and every morning you never know what you will find. There will be new loops and bumps all the time and there is nothing you can do about it. So that has been challenging and freeing. I just have to let go of my vanity that day and deal with it.

I am dealing with some dandruff issues as well which Im not going to get into because you probably are grossed out already but with or without dreads I have dandruff. It’s just a little harder to deal with when you have dreads. But I use my oils and Im surviving.

All that being said my dreadies are doing well and I really do love them.

Challenges=Inspiration

So I just started writing a post and closed it before I got to save it. Uhg...Sigh. I guess those words were not supposed to be posted. Im going to sum up what I was writing into a shorter version.

Challenges. We all have them. Some minor things some major things. They come out of nowhere or build up over time. For me they usually come when I am stressed or tired or confused about something. The littlest thing can just set me off and its down hill from there. This past week I had a number of different challenges. Silly things that I let bother me and get me down. At this point Im not going to get into details of what they were but it effected my out look on everything. I end up wallowing in them for a while until some how I am set free from them. I get a new perspective on the situation.

Inspiration. This comes in many different ways. The outdoors, a book, advice from a friend, a song, or a blog. I reached out for help with my challenges and with that came lots of inspiration. I have a peace about the things that were bothering me because of things I read and people I talked to. I also pray, pray, pray through my challenges which I know gets me through so that was part of it. But a lot of my inspiration comes from my fellow bloggers. Other mamas or kindred spirits who write so beautifully about their life and challenges and what they do to overcome. Its the simplest thing and a lot of people (my hubby) don't get the whole blogging thing but I feel a connection with these woman who I have never met simply by reading their blogs. I love it. More specifically I am trying take some of the inspiration I have recieved and apply it to my life. To "enjoy the simple things", to embrace the rituals of that month, to be present in the moment, and to soak up the beauty of life every single day. Even when its a dreary rainy day or Im just as exhausted as any other mama. There is beauty to be seen, love to be given and joy to be had even amongst the challenges.

So as we head into the time of year that I hate I am going to find the beauty in it. And when I get fed up with the challenges of mommying Im going to sit down and play with my girl and forget about it all. I want to enjoy every aspect of life!! Thanks fellow bloggers!!

SAHM

SAHM-Stay at home mama. Thats my job right now. Taking care of my baby girl and my home and my husband. Im going to be honest it is a love hate relationship for me right now. I absolutly want to be with my girl every single day of her precious early life. Thats why we chose for me to stay home and not go back to work. I want to do this I just struggle to find joy in it sometimes. I guess most woman would probably feel the same way. Its not always peaches n cream. It is hard work, 24/7, most of the time it goes unrecognized, and is the most challenging job I've ever had.

When I first got married I had to adjust to taking care of my husband which I don't do perfectly but I have that down pretty good. We really have a good relationship and if he ever needs more from me he would tell me. Then I had to adjust to taking care of my home. MY home. That was so exciting at first but now it sucks. I hate cleaning. Hate it. I enjoy doing laundry but thats it. Cooking is becoming more of a pain in the butt because when Peter gets home Im ready to lock myself in a room by myself so I can regroup. (hmm...maybe I'll have to do that for 5 or 10 min just to get my mind in the right place.) But I do what needs to be done and my home is usually pretty clean. I think.

But the biggest challenge of them all is taking care of my babe. She is getting to be very fiesty. She is strong willed, very active, and a handful. She is always doing something and gets bored of her toys very easily. I do take time to play with her every day but I have a horrible imagination unfortunatly. Im serious. So playing and pretending is very hard for me. She is also trying to communicate with me but doesn't know how so she hits and bites and becomes very difficult to deal with. I really am struggling with knowing how to deal with some of these things.

I miss having a job. I know if I had to work I would hate it but I miss the interaction with others, the sense of purpose in my day that having a job gives me, and of course I miss the extra money. I know what Im doing now is the most important job I could ever have and it should give me purpose but sometimes I just don't feel it.

I need to find my knich. (no idea spelling) Ya know something I could do from home. I can't start my own business I just don't have it in me but something. Thats why I am so excited for our move. Not just about out west but Im excited for our move to an apartment. Somewhere new. I can start fresh and find something to do. Maybe Im not supposed to find anything to do and Im just supposed to find peace and contentment right where Im at. I don't know. These are just some scattered thoughts I wanted to get off of my mind.

I do love being a SAHM but at times I hate it too. Thanks for listening and I'll take any words of encouragement ya want give me!!

My Testimony

So a couple posts ago (gypsy girl at heart) I mentioned how going to Honduras changed my life. So I decided to write out my testimony. I've been wanting to do it for a while and finally did.

Hmm my testimony. It is my journey but I haven’t thought about it in quite a while. It’s fun to think back and look at where God has brought me.

I am one of three. I have an older brother and a twin brother. We were raised to go to church every Sunday unless you were sick or on vacation. My parents were pretty strict but not as strict as some. I don’t remember a specific moment when I was younger giving my heart to the Lord but I believed. I had no doubt that there was a God but I just thought he was a far of distant God who created the world and that you pray to sometimes.

So as I got older I got less and less interested in what the church had to offer. We switched churches when I was in high school and did go to youth group even though I hated it. I was pretty much just going through the motions in order to please my parents and because that’s what you do. Go to church and go to youth group. Then my senior year the church decided to go on a mission trip to Honduras. It was open to anyone and my parents were interested and asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes because I had never been to a foreign country before and this was my chance. Little did I know God had other plans for me on this trip. I went for complete selfish reasons and motives. I was instantly drawn to the kids there. Instead of working I would play with the kids all day. Boys and girls would come expecting to see me and we would play, cuddle, try and talk, laugh and just spend time together. I loved it. The hardest part was lunch time. I wasn’t supposed to give them any food because then others would come and they’d fight and so on. But it broke my heart to see children (without their parents) at our church windows just staring at us fat (not really) white people stuff our faces and not be able to give them anything. It was such a shock to me to see this other culture and how they lived in shacks and had to walk to get their water and to see kids with no shoes. It was a total shock to me. It opened my eyes and God began to soften my heart. I started talking to the leader of the mission we stayed at about doing an internship there that summer. Looking back now I see it was totally God guiding me every step of the way because it was my senior year and I was caught up in some not good stuff yet I was touched by these beautiful Honduran children and the beautiful country. So instead of partying the summer after I graduated I went to Honduras for 2 months.

It was amazing and totally changed my life. It was the first time away from my parents so that was a huge adjustment. I learned a lot while I was there about myself and how much I needed God in my life. There was a team of college students that came from Michigan and they were so on fire for God. They danced in worship which I had never seen before. They were so kind, genuine and loving. They were amazing and I found myself wanting that. Wanting to feel what they felt for God and love Him as much as they did. So this one girl Jesse took me under her wing and shared what she knew. Her story, her kindness, her understanding, and her encouragement is a big part of what brought me back to the Lord. She showed me that the christian life can be fun. One night while I was there I was lying in bed and I just silently called out to God and said “I surrender.” I didn’t fully know what that meant but I knew I needed Him to be a part of my life from then on.

So I just want to let you know that before I left Honduras I prayed that I would meet a christian guy. When I got back home I was definitely different but it was hard to adjust. My friends were a bad influence and I was embarrassed to talk about God stuff with them. While I was in Honduras my brother became friends with Peter (through our cousin) and he was around a lot. Long story short we started dating and were really at the same spot in our walk with the Lord. We both had accepted Him back into our life in that same summer and wanted more of Him but didn’t really know how to get it. While we were dating we attended my parents brethern church (great church but spiritually dry) then went to Honduras together which was awesome. We then went to an Assembly of God church which was spirit filled but not what we were looking for. Then we got married and decided to go to Peters parents house church which we still attend. It was so new for me. Its a small intimate setting so you have to be real. The point of doing a house church for us was to be able to be a part of the “service”. To bring something to bless others with, take part of prayer and worship etc. I grew up going to Mennonite/brethern church my whole life so this charismatic atmosphere was challenging and uncomfortable at first. Slowly but surely I realized how to have a relationship with God instead of a religious obligation. I started to see God in a whole new way and how to incorporate Him into my every day activities.

But after two years of marriage Peter and I were unsettled with life and we wanted more. We decided to go to a School of Ministry in Toronto, Canada. Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship is where there was a revival back in the 60s I think. Maybe 70s. They call it the Toronto Blessing. It’s a very spirit filled mega church with sister churches all over the world. So people come from all different countries to attend conferences and schools that they offer. We went to the School of Ministry (som) in 2007 for 5 months. It was 4 months of healing and training and 1 month of outreach. We learned soo soo much there. It was so amazing. And such an awesome thing to experience together as a couple. We were taught all kinds of things from how to hear Gods voice, how to use your spiritual gifts, heart healing, ministry life and simply relationship with daddy God. It totally changed our perspective on God and who He is to us and the importance of relationship with Him. We were stretched, challenged, and broken. We experienced God in a brand new way and basically just fell so completely in love with Him.

After we came home we had some challenges. We thought we were supposed to go to Africa for a month but did everything we possibly could to go and God totally prevented it. (passport got lost in mail twice) We were so bummed and confused as to how we could have totally got this one wrong. It was perfect to get back from ministry school and then go to Africa. Right?! Well we found out a month later why God stopped it. I got sick and had inteceseption and had to go to the ER. If that would have happened in Africa who knows what would have happened. So we settled down, bought a house, and started a family. Yay! Its been so fun and amazing to just trust God and follow His will. We are now ready for the next adventure. We are selling our house and going to get an apartment in order to save enough money to hopefully move out west. Or maybe not, God will show us. We hope to be able to find some new opportunities to grow and be used by God. The possibilities are endless right now which is so exciting, we are just trusting His guidance.

Phew!! So that’s it. My testimony. How my daddy God has totally captivated my heart! I love that this journey with Him is never ending and there is always more to be experienced! Thanks for reading and God Bless!!

Just my opinion...

So I have been a mama now for almost 13 months and feeling pretty confident in my role. It is amazing how much I have grown in this past year. Some of the beginning stuff is such a blur but other stuff really stands out. I know we had our struggles and adjusting to do but there was never a time that I didn’t want to be a mama. I love it. It is such a blessing.

I have quite a few friends who are new mamas and it is fun to talk to each of them and hear how things are going for them. Some are adjusting better than others. Some are doing things very similar to me and some not so similar. After my visit with one of my friends my heart was saddened for her. Actually more for the baby. I don’t want to say that she is doing anything "wrong" but in my eyes she is. Every mama has to do what works for them I know but they need take in consideration what "works" for the baby too. That’s what I feel like a lot of new mamas don’t remember to do. Or don’t think to do because its not what their (freakin) pediatrician is telling them to do.

The whole controversy about sleep and to let them cry it out or not gets me so sad. Sometimes mad but mostly sad. Why? Because parents are torn between listening to their own instincts to comfort their baby and advice that is both heartless and unfair to the baby given by the “experts”. That’s a whole other topic. I say unfair because the baby has NO idea what bed time is or nap time. Or that mom needs a break or to get some cleaning done etc. The baby is not used to being alone let alone sleeping alone. And the only way that baby knows how to communicate is by crying and then mommy and daddy don’t listen? All because they want baby to sleep when its convenient for the. Its not fair. Then in talking to some of my friends I wonder if they even have that instinct inside them triggering that its not right and they just ignore it or stifle it so much til its gone. I don’t know which but either way is sad.

My midwife gave me a good example: if your friend would come to you crying and upset about something you wouldn’t just put them in a room by themselves to deal with it on their own. You would talk to them, comfort them, and help them feel better. Right? Well that’s what we should do for our babies. Comfort them when they cry. A 1 month old wants the loving, warm and safe touch of their mama day and night and I don’t think that is too much to ask.

All that being said, I know mamas who are with their babies 24/7 day and night (like me and Noni are) can really go insane and become worn out, touched out, loved out, exhausted etc, etc. Soo I do feel like mamas need and deserve a break from time to time. They need to find a way to refresh their mind and bodies. I often give Nonah to Peter and just go for a walk or lock myself in a room by myself for an hour in order to re-coop, pray, relax, shower, paint my nails, read or scream. Whatever I need in that moment in order to get some space from my girl. Then I come back to her as good as new. I get my break and she isn’t forced to do something that she has no idea how to do. Her mental, physical, and emotional well being are so important at this little stage and I feel strongly about nurturing her in every possible way and taking into consideration how she feels. She will sleep in her own bed and go to sleep on her own when she is good and ready and when I am ready actually. I love having her right there with us at night. I know she is safe and warm. I can touch her and hold her whenever I want and I know she feels safe because I am right there. There is a lot of sacrifice that goes into parenting but it is such a short time it is so worth it. (i have to remind myself this often) For now I am going to enjoy our cuddles as long as I can.

Okay I feel like Im rambling but there is just so much to say about this topic and so much advice I would want to give to my friends but probably won't because of how it would be recieved. So instead I write here and vent and share and hope that maybe it encourages a mama reader who is questioning or doubting her decisions. Peace!

Gypsy girl at heart!

http://www.gypsygirlsguide.com/2010/09/oneness.html(I dont know how to link the page to one little word so if somebody can tell me how that would be awesome)

I absolutly love this blog that I just found and this post is so me. Except its Honduras that opened my eyes and God that made me feel the oneness, but I can totally relate to all of it. She explains it so well I had to share her words.

Especialy this part:

"I felt so bold and brave to be stepping into these foreign spaces without being surrounded by the people in my life that I was most familiar with. It shifted so much of what I thought was possible for my life. I entered Romania as a girl content with being still and I left a young gypsy woman unable to fully stay in one place for too long without longing to spread my wings and drink in different worlds. The idea of moving and starting a new life, meeting new people and experiencing a culture different than my own does not frighten me. What frightens me is if I get too comfortable and forget the massive world that lives and breathes beyond the country I live in."

This is where I am at right now. Im restless and I just want to travel and see new things!! Its so exciting.

Weekend thoughts~

I just love spending time with my family. MY family meaning Petey and Noni. We find such peace and joy when we are out in Gods beautiful creation. God speaks to our souls through nature. I really can't explain it in words except PEACE. True and complete peace.

So we signed the papers to put our house up for sale today. I still can't really believe it. I was sitting there feeling kind of sad. I have really "grown up" in this home. We have only been here for two years but I feel like so much has changed in that two years. We have grown up. We became parents in this home. Literally. That is the biggest change of our life. We have had some rough spots along the way but we have embraced our role as parents whole heartedly. We love it but it has changed us so much.

But we can be great parents anywhere right. Our dream is to go out west. Montana or Oregon is our top choice. But we have no money so we can't do it yet. We have to work our way there. Save up and make a plan. I want to get an RV and travel around for a while in order to scope things out first. But again we have no money so I don't see how that is possible. We would have to save up ALot in order to be able to do that. I don't know what we will do in order to find the place we want to live but that is part of what is so exciting right now. There are so so so many options for us. We are open to almost anything. We want to live simple. We want to slow life down and enjoy everyday to the fullest. We want to be able to be US 100%. And we want to be toghether more as a family. Other than that not much matters. Yes we need a home, yes we need a job, blah blah blah but it will all work out. God will show us the way. I totally trust that God will work all those details out once we go. Just go!! Just do it!! Thats what I keep hearing from God.

So we are going to go. One step at a time we will go! But I will miss this home and remember it fondly!

The Beauty of Breastfeeding~

So my girl is a year now as you know and yes I am still nursing. I knew the question was coming but I didn't know who or when. Well last night it came. My father in law asked me last night, "how long do you plan on nursing."
She was about 3 or 4 months in this pic.

I just love breastfeeding so much. I had some pain the first couple of days but once my milk came in it has been amazing ever since. (well a few biting inicidents but we pushed through) I had heard a lot of disapointing and negative things about it before I had Nonah but my mom and a few others were very encouraging. She nursed twins til 7 or 8 months. She was very posiive about it. I knew I was going to breastfeed no matter what. I didn't know how long I was going to nurse and when I first heard of people nursing to 2 or 3 years old I was totally unsure. I did not think I would nurse more than year but now that Im at the one year mark there is NO way I could just stop. Why should I...because its not the norm to go past a year? Like there is a magic number where it is inappropriate for our breasts to be used what they were meant for. I just have a totally different perspective on things now that I have had a baby. There are so many things that when I was young and "dumb" I said I would never do once I had kids but I am now doing them. You just really can't give an opinion on something if you have not experienced it yourself.

It is such a beautiful thing to look down and see your little one looking up at you, dosing off, or just at peace. In that moment you are physically as close as you can possibly be physically and mentally I believe. I love nurturing her every need. Its incredibly amazing and so beautiful. If you are a nuring mama you know exactly what I mean.

My baby girl loves it too and she gets happy and giddy when she sees them and calms down immediatly. She obviously is growing well and as healthy as can be so we will continue doing things the way we're doing them.

So because of all the benefits, the convenience, and the amazing joy and happiness that come from it my Noni will nurse until she is ready to be done.
Taking a break.

My Birthday girls birth story!

I wanted to share Nonis birth story here but I wrote so much more about her and her day at my other blog so feel free to check that out HERE! She rocks my world and this day will always be so special to me! Enjoy our story!

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Peter and I could not have been more ready for the birth of our first child. Everything was done that needed to be done and all we could think about was holding our little baby in our arms. My due date came and went and all we could do was wait in wonder of when the day would come. One week and a day past my due date my midwife Kate came to see me for my usual check up. I was barely a centimeter dilated. The rest of the day I had some sporadic contractions. Then at about 6pm they started to come more frequent. At 8pm we started to time them and they were about every 5-8 min. So we called Kate to let her know and she said to try and get some sleep while I could. I was way too excited and nervous to sleep. I thought “this is it, the time has come, wow can I do this?”

By morning the contractions had lessened and were very sporadic. Peter made me some breakfast and we called Kate. She said to do the usual things to bring on labor. Walk and ya know. So that we did and then just waited. And waited and waited. I tried to rest but it was hard. With twenty four plus hours of contractions there was a lot of time to think and I was feeling all kinds of emotions. Confused, anxious, nervous, excited, scared, happy. I tried to focus on the positive, “my body knows what its doing, baby will come when it’s ready, I need this time to prepare,” etc. I also tried to not think about it at all and just watched a few movies and read. My husband served me every meal which was so nice and we walked a lot. I tried nipple stimulation and even ate some hot sauce straight up. The contractions were every 4 to 10 min apart all day. Then on Thursday throughout the day the contractions began to last longer and slowly got much stronger. They were 3-5 min apart and lasted 50-70 seconds. I tried to get some sleep and just couldn’t because I was so uncomfortable. So we called Kate.

Her and Jill came at 10 pm and checked me and I was only 2 cm and fully effaced. She said next step is to either walk or sleep and since I already tried to sleep we decided to walk. Peter and I walked around our yard talking about what its going to be like once this little one is here and how ready we were, pausing between contractions. We walked for an hour or two and then I tried to rest. Some how I was able to rest between contractions which were very strong. I sat upright on a recliner with pillows everywhere. Peter took a little nap in bed and I got myself some yogurt. Kate checked on the babies heart rate every now and then and at some point Peter and Kate worked on filling the aqua doula. At 6am Kate checked me again and I was 6cm dilated. We decided to break my water in order to progress quicker. By 7am labor was in full force. Every position was uncomfortable and there was pressure every where. So it was time to get in the aqua doula.

The aqua doula relieved the pressure and felt wonderful. I still felt the contractions but it definitely helped ease the intensity of them. I rested my neck on the edge of the aqua doula and justed floated in order to relieve the pressure. It felt amazing. Soon after getting in I felt the urge to push and did push a little bit but not full force. Kate told me to do what I felt was right but she couldn’t see anything so if baby’s head was out to let her know. She checked baby’s heart rate and it was up to 180-200 which was too high. The water was too hot for baby so she suggested I get out. I specifically remember saying “oh no” because I didn’t want to move. Eventually I got out but couldn’t go any further so I stood there leaning on Jill for a while and pushed with my contractions. It was tiring to stand so I sat on the birth stool which was actually very comfortable. I pushed and pushed and got to feel the slimy head and so did Peter. Danielle got there at some point and was rubbing my back with a wet wash clothe. I was so sweaty. Peter and Kate were patiently waiting to catch baby and telling me what a good job I was doing. “That’s the way” Kate kept saying. I was in such a zone and didn’t talk to anyone. Or look at anyone. Then the BIG push came, I let out a scream and our sweet little baby fell into Peters hands.

Peter announced that we had a baby girl and I announced her name, Nohah Mae and they handed her to me. Surprisingly I didn’t cry but Peter was a little teary eyed. I just felt so relieved that she was out and so amazed to have her in my arms. I was soo happy. She had swallowed some miconium and wasn’t breathing right so we quickly moved to the bedroom and Kate was checking her out. Kate was a little worried so we had to cut the umbilical cord sooner than planned but the blood had all pumped through so it was ok. Kate gave her some oxygen. Peter laid his hand on her and prayed for her. Jill called our doctor to see if we could bring her in to get checked out. I then held her close to my breast and she latched on all by herself. It was incredible to see my baby nursing for the first time. An hour after she was born she was breathing well and her color became normal. We thankfully did not have to go to the doctor. Nonah was born at 9:04am on Friday August 21st. She was a healthy 10 pounds 1 ounce and 20 ½ in long. After the girls helped Peter clean up and got me a snack they left. Peter and I stared in amazement of our sweet baby girl and then took a nap.

We are so thankful for all that Kate and Jill did to prepare us for a safe, healthy and natural homebirth. I could not imagine giving birth any other way!!!
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I want to write more about my homebirth and how I got to that point. I feel so truly blessed and have been thinking about it since it is Nonis birth day! So amazing, so more to come.

Ideas…Dreams…

These are ideas and dreams I have that Im not sure are from me or from God and I don’t know if they fit in with what Gods plan is for our lives but they are things that I pray about and think about every now and then. They are kind of in the back of my mind so we’ll see!!

I would love to lead a women’s group some day for young woman. Either single or newly married and just encourage, inspire, share with them and be there for them.
I would love to learn more about photography and how to get started doing my own work.
I would love to be a childbirth educator or doula.
I would love to own my own café/boutique. It would be a funky little place in a quaint little town. There would be organic fair trade coffee served and the basic lattes, cappuccinos, some pastries regular and gluten free and fresh juices. Attached to it would be local artists stuff and handmade clothing, jewelery, nick nacks. It’d be called Paisleys or The Paisley Shop. (something like that)
I would love to travel around the country in an RV. Living simply.
I would love to live on the beach or atleast in walking distance, preferably in Hawaii.
I would love to back pack around Europe.
I would love to run an orphanage in Africa.
I would love to back pack the Appalachian trail all the way to Maine with my Petey!

Some are totally practical and some are not in this time of our life but thats why I call them dreams. Some may come true some may not. And there is so many more but these are what came to mind! What are your dreams???

Simplify your perspective!

There seems to be a theme in my life right now…Simplify. I have always been a simple chic I think but here of late its just been on my heart to live even more simple. I was encouraged by other bloggers and their way of living to down size and get rid of stuff that isn’t necessary and since then I feel like there are signs every where telling me to simplify.

Simplifying my home and the way I dress is one thing but also simplifying the way I think, act, and am. Just overall being simple. Ive been reading a book by Hiedi Baker (an amazing woman of God who does mission work in Africa) and all she talks about is how simple it is to do what she does because she is always walking in Gods presence. And when you are in His presence all you can do is love. “He reduced me to the simplicity of love” is what she says and that is where I want to be. Walking with Him in the simplicity of love. Im still exploring what all that means for me in my life but I’ve been so encouraged to seek Him these days. He is what gets me through. She also talks about her ministry and that to simply comfort someone is to be in ministry. To love someone is showing them Jesus. All these things are simple things but so important for the kingdom. This is how I want to live my life, doing simple things for the kingdom. Looking at everyday as an opportunity to love, minister, comfort and do BIG things. It doesn’t matter how big our house is or what brand our clothing is or how much money we have in our bank account if we do not have love!

I don’t know if I explain it very well but this is what God is doing in me. He’s changing me, opening my eyes, and encouraging me in the area of love. His love is so Big and never ending and there is so much to discover about it so I encourage you to ask Him to teach you more about His love. And show someone His love today and tomorrow and everyday. Its simple!!!

Parenting~continued

Just in the few days since I wrote the last post my parenting decisions were challenged again. Not directly but indirectly and it just makes me question, wonder, doubt and fear that Im doing everything wrong. I have to fight those thoughts with all I have because it just destroys me and who I am as a mama. I think Nonah can sense the difference in me as well. Things just dont go as smooth as normal when Im confused or doubting.

This article is exactly what I needed to hear this week. It just goes to show (i think) that God is looking out for me and that I am doing the right thing for our family. Every time Im brought down I either find an encouraging article or another like minded mama who totally brings me back up. Thank you God!

I wish our society would also see it as normal for babies to simply want their mamas all the time. IT IS NORMAL. Theres nothing wrong with it. UH. So frustrating. Anyway. Read and be encouraged.
http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/

Patience and parenting

Being patient= bearing pain or trial without complaint. Is that something you do? Cuz I sure don't. I hate trials and get so mad so easily and then feel guilty for getting so angry afterwards. Yes I am referring to parenting, although there is many other areas where I loose my patience as well.

My sweet girl, Noni is almost a year old and is getting to be quite a handful. She has been very active and determined since day 1 and is getting smarter and smarter so therefore even more determined. Its so cute to see her learn new things but with that comes new challenges. Discipline. Uh I dont like the subject because I dont know how I feel about it yet. I've been raised with the idea that spanking is biblical and neccessary inorder to teach children to obey their parents. But now in all my literature, even christian literature, I have found out other perspectives of scripture and I just don't know what to do. I talked to Peter about it a little but he said he needs more proof. And right now I don't have it and don't really care to look. But it is getting close to the point where I need to know where we stand on the issue because its come up with other family members. I just dont know. I do loose my patience with Nonah already and dont know how its going to go as she gets older. I seriously dont even want to think about it right now but need to. So if anyone has some good solid info on the whole spanking thing Ill take it.

The other thing is Nonah is so clingy right now. I am still que feeding and co-sleeping with her nursing off and on all night which I love and chose to do for attachment and emotional reasons. I would not change that for anything. BUT Im now starting to experience the whole "touched out" thing Ive heard alot of moms talk about. I just need space. I love her hugs and kisses and cuddles but man sometimes I just want to be left alone. I am looking into how to gently night wean but am not totally willing to do it yet so maybe soon. I dont know Im at the point of wanting a change but not sure how to make that change without totally rocking Nonahs world.

I still feel a bit condemed at times by family because of their little comments and I just know where they stand on the whole breastfeeding/co-sleeping thing. I sometimes hate being different but Im not going to change what I believe is right for my child just to be considered normal to my family. I have chosen this style of parenting because it feels right for me and Peter and Nonah and thats what is all that matters. Just writing this down and thinking through it is helping feel better about it. Sometimes I just get down about not being understood by people.

Im sill learning and who knows maybe with the next child we will change this up but for now we are doing the best we can with what we have and what we know.

My Parenting Philosophy

Not really a philosophy, just something I was thinking about today. I heard a statistic a while ago about how much time moms spend playing with their child in a day. Actually sitting down and playing. I don’t remember what it was exactly but something like 30 min or so. In a 24 hour time span that’s not much.

I was in the kitchen a lot today making cookies, stuffed shells, and lentil burgers. Phew…but its hard to do stuff any more with Nonah getting older. She literally follows me around and then pushes on my legs until I stop what Im doing and either pick her up or give her something to do. Its so cute but it can be quite annoying.

Most parents would let them cry or put them in the other room til they were done or maybe put them down for a nap but today I decided to sit down and talk to her a few minutes. So I sat on the kitchen floor and talked to her for a little, hugged her, made her giggle and the next thing I know she’s off to the living room back to her on adventure. Now Im not saying every time she comes to me I stop what Im doing and play with her but every now and then its what we both need in order to get through our day without going insane. What’s it matter if you don’t get every thing on your to do list done? Quality time with your little peanut is so much more important. This time will pass and probably before ya know it. So Im gonna savor my moments on the kitchen floor or in the back yard or wherever and spend as much time as I can with her!!

DREADLOCKS

BEFORE
Yes dreadlocks. I got dreadlocks. Im so thrilled and excited about my beautiful dreads. Now they aren’t that beautiful yet but they will get there. It takes time so I hear. It was about a 2 hour process today. My 2 friends got them started and separated but then when we got home Peter went over them again and really hard core backcombed them to the point where I screamed a few times he was hurting me. Its okay though its worth the pain. My hair is pretty think to begin with so right now my dreads are massive puff balls but sleeping on them should tone them down a bit.
.AFTER
You may be asking WHY? Well I’ve always liked them first of all. Ever since I was young I wanted to be a hippy. Im just drawn to the hippy style and look. I don’t know why but I can’t help it. Its who I am. I guess my mom has something to do with it. But she hates dreads so you can imagine how she felt when I told her I was getting them. Anyway. I always was too scared to get them but then I stumbled across this blog walkslowlylivewildly.com and was totally inspired. She wrote about her dread journey and said that she didn’t want to be 80 and think back to all the things she didn’t do in her life. And it totally connected with me and I was like YEA, You’re right!! Now is the time to do it and hello its just hair. So I’ll chop it off when Im done with them and it’ll grow back. Peter actually wants to see me with a shaved head. I don’t know if we’ll go that far but when the time comes to get rid of the dreads my hair will be pretty darn short. Oh well. That’s a long way off. For now I love my dreads. It will take work and time to get them to the point of truly loving them but Im committed to it. It shall be fun.

I also feel like the dreads are part of my spiritual journey. I don’t want to sound cheesy or new age or anything like that but I seriously feel like I was supposed to get them at this time in my life. God is doing so much in me right now and one thing has to do with my self image. I have confidence and self esteem issues, I always have. Its kind of a girl thing but I think mine is a little extreme. I care a little too much about my looks and what people think of me. And with dreads people have their opinions and they are different but its me and I can’t change them as soon as I get a little self conscious about them because they are permanent. I am learning to not worry so much about what others think and to see myself through Gods eyes. Dreads are helping me step into my identity which is a daughter of the King…who likes dreads!

So I’ll keep you posted on the journey!! Let me know what you think!!

Mamahood

Becoming a mama has totally changed me. Well of course it has right? But it didn’t only change my life and what I do and don’t do. It has changed me. I feel like it has brought out some creativity in me that I knew I had but ignored and becoming a mama has helped me find myself. I have been able to find my own answers for things instead of just following what the norm is. It all started with deciding what kind of birth I wanted to have. Exploring my options and deciding for myself. Yes I talked it all over with Peter but he said I was the one doing the birthing so it was up to me. I love that trust and support he had in me. He knew I could do it.
So in deciding to have a natural homebirth I had a lot of explaining to do to my friends and family. It has helped me grow and mature into the mama that I am. Trusting my instincts and listening to my self and my baby instead of a book or others advice. Birthing and now parenting in this way has totally changed me. It has brought me a new confidence in myself and my abilities. Its still a continuing process and I do have days where I felt totally helpless but I listen to my heart and remind myself of what Ive been through and who it has made me become. I love being a mama, everything about it.

I have so much more to say on the topic of mamahood and how its changed my life but thats it for now!!

Inspiration

To be happy, to be me, to love a lot, to think big, to live in the moment, to live life to the fullest!
Petey
CreationGodYoga on the beachNursing Noni...on the beach
Peaceful nooks like this
And paisleys, tapestries, sunshine, laughter, natural living, food, picnics, flowers, hikeing, the mountains, freedom in Jesus, and so much more but this is what has come to mind for the moment. So be inspired and be you!!