Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Challenges=Inspiration

So I just started writing a post and closed it before I got to save it. Uhg...Sigh. I guess those words were not supposed to be posted. Im going to sum up what I was writing into a shorter version.

Challenges. We all have them. Some minor things some major things. They come out of nowhere or build up over time. For me they usually come when I am stressed or tired or confused about something. The littlest thing can just set me off and its down hill from there. This past week I had a number of different challenges. Silly things that I let bother me and get me down. At this point Im not going to get into details of what they were but it effected my out look on everything. I end up wallowing in them for a while until some how I am set free from them. I get a new perspective on the situation.

Inspiration. This comes in many different ways. The outdoors, a book, advice from a friend, a song, or a blog. I reached out for help with my challenges and with that came lots of inspiration. I have a peace about the things that were bothering me because of things I read and people I talked to. I also pray, pray, pray through my challenges which I know gets me through so that was part of it. But a lot of my inspiration comes from my fellow bloggers. Other mamas or kindred spirits who write so beautifully about their life and challenges and what they do to overcome. Its the simplest thing and a lot of people (my hubby) don't get the whole blogging thing but I feel a connection with these woman who I have never met simply by reading their blogs. I love it. More specifically I am trying take some of the inspiration I have recieved and apply it to my life. To "enjoy the simple things", to embrace the rituals of that month, to be present in the moment, and to soak up the beauty of life every single day. Even when its a dreary rainy day or Im just as exhausted as any other mama. There is beauty to be seen, love to be given and joy to be had even amongst the challenges.

So as we head into the time of year that I hate I am going to find the beauty in it. And when I get fed up with the challenges of mommying Im going to sit down and play with my girl and forget about it all. I want to enjoy every aspect of life!! Thanks fellow bloggers!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

SAHM

SAHM-Stay at home mama. Thats my job right now. Taking care of my baby girl and my home and my husband. Im going to be honest it is a love hate relationship for me right now. I absolutly want to be with my girl every single day of her precious early life. Thats why we chose for me to stay home and not go back to work. I want to do this I just struggle to find joy in it sometimes. I guess most woman would probably feel the same way. Its not always peaches n cream. It is hard work, 24/7, most of the time it goes unrecognized, and is the most challenging job I've ever had.

When I first got married I had to adjust to taking care of my husband which I don't do perfectly but I have that down pretty good. We really have a good relationship and if he ever needs more from me he would tell me. Then I had to adjust to taking care of my home. MY home. That was so exciting at first but now it sucks. I hate cleaning. Hate it. I enjoy doing laundry but thats it. Cooking is becoming more of a pain in the butt because when Peter gets home Im ready to lock myself in a room by myself so I can regroup. (hmm...maybe I'll have to do that for 5 or 10 min just to get my mind in the right place.) But I do what needs to be done and my home is usually pretty clean. I think.

But the biggest challenge of them all is taking care of my babe. She is getting to be very fiesty. She is strong willed, very active, and a handful. She is always doing something and gets bored of her toys very easily. I do take time to play with her every day but I have a horrible imagination unfortunatly. Im serious. So playing and pretending is very hard for me. She is also trying to communicate with me but doesn't know how so she hits and bites and becomes very difficult to deal with. I really am struggling with knowing how to deal with some of these things.

I miss having a job. I know if I had to work I would hate it but I miss the interaction with others, the sense of purpose in my day that having a job gives me, and of course I miss the extra money. I know what Im doing now is the most important job I could ever have and it should give me purpose but sometimes I just don't feel it.

I need to find my knich. (no idea spelling) Ya know something I could do from home. I can't start my own business I just don't have it in me but something. Thats why I am so excited for our move. Not just about out west but Im excited for our move to an apartment. Somewhere new. I can start fresh and find something to do. Maybe Im not supposed to find anything to do and Im just supposed to find peace and contentment right where Im at. I don't know. These are just some scattered thoughts I wanted to get off of my mind.

I do love being a SAHM but at times I hate it too. Thanks for listening and I'll take any words of encouragement ya want give me!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

My Testimony

So a couple posts ago (gypsy girl at heart) I mentioned how going to Honduras changed my life. So I decided to write out my testimony. I've been wanting to do it for a while and finally did.

Hmm my testimony. It is my journey but I haven’t thought about it in quite a while. It’s fun to think back and look at where God has brought me.

I am one of three. I have an older brother and a twin brother. We were raised to go to church every Sunday unless you were sick or on vacation. My parents were pretty strict but not as strict as some. I don’t remember a specific moment when I was younger giving my heart to the Lord but I believed. I had no doubt that there was a God but I just thought he was a far of distant God who created the world and that you pray to sometimes.

So as I got older I got less and less interested in what the church had to offer. We switched churches when I was in high school and did go to youth group even though I hated it. I was pretty much just going through the motions in order to please my parents and because that’s what you do. Go to church and go to youth group. Then my senior year the church decided to go on a mission trip to Honduras. It was open to anyone and my parents were interested and asked me if I wanted to go. I said yes because I had never been to a foreign country before and this was my chance. Little did I know God had other plans for me on this trip. I went for complete selfish reasons and motives. I was instantly drawn to the kids there. Instead of working I would play with the kids all day. Boys and girls would come expecting to see me and we would play, cuddle, try and talk, laugh and just spend time together. I loved it. The hardest part was lunch time. I wasn’t supposed to give them any food because then others would come and they’d fight and so on. But it broke my heart to see children (without their parents) at our church windows just staring at us fat (not really) white people stuff our faces and not be able to give them anything. It was such a shock to me to see this other culture and how they lived in shacks and had to walk to get their water and to see kids with no shoes. It was a total shock to me. It opened my eyes and God began to soften my heart. I started talking to the leader of the mission we stayed at about doing an internship there that summer. Looking back now I see it was totally God guiding me every step of the way because it was my senior year and I was caught up in some not good stuff yet I was touched by these beautiful Honduran children and the beautiful country. So instead of partying the summer after I graduated I went to Honduras for 2 months.

It was amazing and totally changed my life. It was the first time away from my parents so that was a huge adjustment. I learned a lot while I was there about myself and how much I needed God in my life. There was a team of college students that came from Michigan and they were so on fire for God. They danced in worship which I had never seen before. They were so kind, genuine and loving. They were amazing and I found myself wanting that. Wanting to feel what they felt for God and love Him as much as they did. So this one girl Jesse took me under her wing and shared what she knew. Her story, her kindness, her understanding, and her encouragement is a big part of what brought me back to the Lord. She showed me that the christian life can be fun. One night while I was there I was lying in bed and I just silently called out to God and said “I surrender.” I didn’t fully know what that meant but I knew I needed Him to be a part of my life from then on.

So I just want to let you know that before I left Honduras I prayed that I would meet a christian guy. When I got back home I was definitely different but it was hard to adjust. My friends were a bad influence and I was embarrassed to talk about God stuff with them. While I was in Honduras my brother became friends with Peter (through our cousin) and he was around a lot. Long story short we started dating and were really at the same spot in our walk with the Lord. We both had accepted Him back into our life in that same summer and wanted more of Him but didn’t really know how to get it. While we were dating we attended my parents brethern church (great church but spiritually dry) then went to Honduras together which was awesome. We then went to an Assembly of God church which was spirit filled but not what we were looking for. Then we got married and decided to go to Peters parents house church which we still attend. It was so new for me. Its a small intimate setting so you have to be real. The point of doing a house church for us was to be able to be a part of the “service”. To bring something to bless others with, take part of prayer and worship etc. I grew up going to Mennonite/brethern church my whole life so this charismatic atmosphere was challenging and uncomfortable at first. Slowly but surely I realized how to have a relationship with God instead of a religious obligation. I started to see God in a whole new way and how to incorporate Him into my every day activities.

But after two years of marriage Peter and I were unsettled with life and we wanted more. We decided to go to a School of Ministry in Toronto, Canada. Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship is where there was a revival back in the 60s I think. Maybe 70s. They call it the Toronto Blessing. It’s a very spirit filled mega church with sister churches all over the world. So people come from all different countries to attend conferences and schools that they offer. We went to the School of Ministry (som) in 2007 for 5 months. It was 4 months of healing and training and 1 month of outreach. We learned soo soo much there. It was so amazing. And such an awesome thing to experience together as a couple. We were taught all kinds of things from how to hear Gods voice, how to use your spiritual gifts, heart healing, ministry life and simply relationship with daddy God. It totally changed our perspective on God and who He is to us and the importance of relationship with Him. We were stretched, challenged, and broken. We experienced God in a brand new way and basically just fell so completely in love with Him.

After we came home we had some challenges. We thought we were supposed to go to Africa for a month but did everything we possibly could to go and God totally prevented it. (passport got lost in mail twice) We were so bummed and confused as to how we could have totally got this one wrong. It was perfect to get back from ministry school and then go to Africa. Right?! Well we found out a month later why God stopped it. I got sick and had inteceseption and had to go to the ER. If that would have happened in Africa who knows what would have happened. So we settled down, bought a house, and started a family. Yay! Its been so fun and amazing to just trust God and follow His will. We are now ready for the next adventure. We are selling our house and going to get an apartment in order to save enough money to hopefully move out west. Or maybe not, God will show us. We hope to be able to find some new opportunities to grow and be used by God. The possibilities are endless right now which is so exciting, we are just trusting His guidance.

Phew!! So that’s it. My testimony. How my daddy God has totally captivated my heart! I love that this journey with Him is never ending and there is always more to be experienced! Thanks for reading and God Bless!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Just my opinion...

So I have been a mama now for almost 13 months and feeling pretty confident in my role. It is amazing how much I have grown in this past year. Some of the beginning stuff is such a blur but other stuff really stands out. I know we had our struggles and adjusting to do but there was never a time that I didn’t want to be a mama. I love it. It is such a blessing.

I have quite a few friends who are new mamas and it is fun to talk to each of them and hear how things are going for them. Some are adjusting better than others. Some are doing things very similar to me and some not so similar. After my visit with one of my friends my heart was saddened for her. Actually more for the baby. I don’t want to say that she is doing anything "wrong" but in my eyes she is. Every mama has to do what works for them I know but they need take in consideration what "works" for the baby too. That’s what I feel like a lot of new mamas don’t remember to do. Or don’t think to do because its not what their (freakin) pediatrician is telling them to do.

The whole controversy about sleep and to let them cry it out or not gets me so sad. Sometimes mad but mostly sad. Why? Because parents are torn between listening to their own instincts to comfort their baby and advice that is both heartless and unfair to the baby given by the “experts”. That’s a whole other topic. I say unfair because the baby has NO idea what bed time is or nap time. Or that mom needs a break or to get some cleaning done etc. The baby is not used to being alone let alone sleeping alone. And the only way that baby knows how to communicate is by crying and then mommy and daddy don’t listen? All because they want baby to sleep when its convenient for the. Its not fair. Then in talking to some of my friends I wonder if they even have that instinct inside them triggering that its not right and they just ignore it or stifle it so much til its gone. I don’t know which but either way is sad.

My midwife gave me a good example: if your friend would come to you crying and upset about something you wouldn’t just put them in a room by themselves to deal with it on their own. You would talk to them, comfort them, and help them feel better. Right? Well that’s what we should do for our babies. Comfort them when they cry. A 1 month old wants the loving, warm and safe touch of their mama day and night and I don’t think that is too much to ask.

All that being said, I know mamas who are with their babies 24/7 day and night (like me and Noni are) can really go insane and become worn out, touched out, loved out, exhausted etc, etc. Soo I do feel like mamas need and deserve a break from time to time. They need to find a way to refresh their mind and bodies. I often give Nonah to Peter and just go for a walk or lock myself in a room by myself for an hour in order to re-coop, pray, relax, shower, paint my nails, read or scream. Whatever I need in that moment in order to get some space from my girl. Then I come back to her as good as new. I get my break and she isn’t forced to do something that she has no idea how to do. Her mental, physical, and emotional well being are so important at this little stage and I feel strongly about nurturing her in every possible way and taking into consideration how she feels. She will sleep in her own bed and go to sleep on her own when she is good and ready and when I am ready actually. I love having her right there with us at night. I know she is safe and warm. I can touch her and hold her whenever I want and I know she feels safe because I am right there. There is a lot of sacrifice that goes into parenting but it is such a short time it is so worth it. (i have to remind myself this often) For now I am going to enjoy our cuddles as long as I can.

Okay I feel like Im rambling but there is just so much to say about this topic and so much advice I would want to give to my friends but probably won't because of how it would be recieved. So instead I write here and vent and share and hope that maybe it encourages a mama reader who is questioning or doubting her decisions. Peace!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Gypsy girl at heart!

http://www.gypsygirlsguide.com/2010/09/oneness.html(I dont know how to link the page to one little word so if somebody can tell me how that would be awesome)

I absolutly love this blog that I just found and this post is so me. Except its Honduras that opened my eyes and God that made me feel the oneness, but I can totally relate to all of it. She explains it so well I had to share her words.

Especialy this part:

"I felt so bold and brave to be stepping into these foreign spaces without being surrounded by the people in my life that I was most familiar with. It shifted so much of what I thought was possible for my life. I entered Romania as a girl content with being still and I left a young gypsy woman unable to fully stay in one place for too long without longing to spread my wings and drink in different worlds. The idea of moving and starting a new life, meeting new people and experiencing a culture different than my own does not frighten me. What frightens me is if I get too comfortable and forget the massive world that lives and breathes beyond the country I live in."

This is where I am at right now. Im restless and I just want to travel and see new things!! Its so exciting.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Weekend thoughts~

I just love spending time with my family. MY family meaning Petey and Noni. We find such peace and joy when we are out in Gods beautiful creation. God speaks to our souls through nature. I really can't explain it in words except PEACE. True and complete peace.

So we signed the papers to put our house up for sale today. I still can't really believe it. I was sitting there feeling kind of sad. I have really "grown up" in this home. We have only been here for two years but I feel like so much has changed in that two years. We have grown up. We became parents in this home. Literally. That is the biggest change of our life. We have had some rough spots along the way but we have embraced our role as parents whole heartedly. We love it but it has changed us so much.

But we can be great parents anywhere right. Our dream is to go out west. Montana or Oregon is our top choice. But we have no money so we can't do it yet. We have to work our way there. Save up and make a plan. I want to get an RV and travel around for a while in order to scope things out first. But again we have no money so I don't see how that is possible. We would have to save up ALot in order to be able to do that. I don't know what we will do in order to find the place we want to live but that is part of what is so exciting right now. There are so so so many options for us. We are open to almost anything. We want to live simple. We want to slow life down and enjoy everyday to the fullest. We want to be able to be US 100%. And we want to be toghether more as a family. Other than that not much matters. Yes we need a home, yes we need a job, blah blah blah but it will all work out. God will show us the way. I totally trust that God will work all those details out once we go. Just go!! Just do it!! Thats what I keep hearing from God.

So we are going to go. One step at a time we will go! But I will miss this home and remember it fondly!