Some thoughts

Just a little update before you read this post. I dont remember if I shared about our present situation. We are trying to sell our house inorder to move into an apartment (not have a mortgage), save as much money as possible, and then move out west. (Like MT or OR) The house has been on the market since September.

Okay read on!!

I feel like I am seeing some of Gods reasoning for preventing our house from selling. There are a lot of reasons we wanted to move out of state. Some of them simply because of our deep desire to travel and see-the-world and because its beautiful out there, but also because we want space from family, we want to not be in such a financial struggle and we want to find new opportunities. All valid reasons right. But if I step back and think about it all these reasons could be looked at as running away instead of dealing with it. As I have learned in the past life lessons are not always fun and comfortable and easy. God is teaching us in this time of waiting.

The family thing. We are very close with both sides of our family and that is a good thing but sometimes it seems like there is this unsaid pressure to be a certain way or do certain things and if we don’t do them then we are the weirdos of the family. And although I love being different I also would like to be understood and accepted just the way I am. To have like minded friends and people to encourage me instead of pick on me. I also feel like it would just be so much easier to not have to answer to anyone, family is always in each others business. But being accountable to someone makes us stronger and keeps us in check. So by not running away from that pressure I feel will only make me stronger. Make me stand firm in my beliefs and how we want to live our lives no matter who approves or doesn’t approve.

The financial thing. A mortgage, bills, necessities, and the random things that pop up every month all on one income is harder than we thought. Im going to be honest, it sucks!! But God always provides! We have had to humble ourselves and ask for help at times but we always seem to have enough. Its pretty amazing to see how much we spend and how much comes in, its always enough. But we don’t buy any extras, we don’t go out to eat, no dates, no fun. We just don’t want to live like this forever and don’t see how we could get out of it with out moving.

The new opportunities thing. I have so many ideas of things I want to do, be a part of and I feel like its impossible to do here. Partly because this is where I grew up and I feel like there is no options around here. Also I feel like family members would judge me. I have always struggled with worrying about what other people might think and Im working on overcoming that. I have to go out and find opportunities and I shouldn’t let anyone stop me no matter what.

By going through this time of waiting and trusting Gods perfect timing it has really made me rely on Him in ways I have never had to do before. I feel like I am learning so much about myself and how to stay true to who God made me to be. How to rely on Him not only for my spiritual needs but my physical needs as well.
I'm not saying I don't want to go, I would be ready tomorrow, but I am waiting patiently. Im growing, soaking, and learning so much and ultimatly I'm waiting for God's que to tell me my next step in life!

Mommyhood

Big HUGE gigantic sigh!......I am bummed. I created this blog inorder to feel free to blog about all my trials and tribulations, ups and downs, and questions and concerns of motherhood and I just don't write. I don't have the time or once I do have time I am too tired to write. Most of the things I want to write about I feel are so silly and I think who would want to read about that. I am not a whiner but I feel like thats all I do on my blog is whine or complain about something. I feel like many bloggers are so positive and happy all the time and can find joy in anything. That is something I am working on but its not my reality. I am up and down and struggle to stay at a steady level emotionally and spiritually. All that being said. I do like having this space to just share my thoughts and get them out there. I have no idea how many people read this blog but it doesn't matter.

So. My state right now is...all over the place. I am loving the holidays and all that it intails, I am enjoying staying home and finding creative projects to do to keep me busy. We have cable now and I am enjoying being able to watch TV for pretty much the first time in my life. (growing up we had 3, 6 and 10 and thats it because we lived in the boonies) I am so in love with my Noni girl it hurts. BUT at the same time she is driving me CRAZY. Uhg...shes so clingy, nursing all the time, not eating anything good for her, increasing her whining inorder to tell me what she wants because its all she knows and she knows it works, nursing all night long, not sleeping well, just getting over being sick, was teething last 5 weeks. Lets see what else...she is in to everything that is not a toy because toys are boring, tantrums when doesn't get what she wants are thrown left and right and family memebers are calling her spoiled and naughty.

There...that feels a little better. I know shes trying to figure things out and shes learning so much right now but I just can't take it some days. It doesn't help that my hubby works long days and 7 days a week right now because he sells christmas trees. It gives me a little taste of what being a single mom is like. Although Peter does come home he only spends a short amount of time with her and then its bed time and only I can put her to bed. I have practically no time to myself.

These are the moments I start to second guess myself and feel like I am doing everything wrong. Like its my fualt shes such a wild thing and I have created this mamas-milk addict and I don't know what to do about it. Im feeling very helpless right now. I know I have done the right thing in choosing to attachment parent but at this stage Im feeling very frazzled. And stuck.

Big HUGE gigantic sigh!

BFF

So my bff from high school moved to New York to go to college once we graduated and hasn’t been back since except for holidays. She is now living in DC and doesn’t think she’ll ever move back here. Good for her I say, but I miss her. The cool thing is that we can pick up where we left off and chat for hours when we see each other. I forget sometimes by not being with her for such long periods of time why we were best friends but am reminded very quickly after bonding over a cup of coffee at our fave café and talking about our boys, clothes, life, work, our moms, etc. It was so fun to be with her again. To be with someone who knows how I used to be and can see how I am now, how I have grown and changed and won’t judge me but loves me for who I am. The journey of life has taken us down different paths completely but that’s okay we can still be friends. I cherish our moments together.

I remember how we used to finish each others sentences, when shopping we’d pick the same piece of clothing without even knowing it. We used to say that we’ll be best friends forever, move to New York city, our kids would be best friends, and that when we are old ladies we’d live right next to each other. Although I don’t know if any of that will happen I do hope we are still friends when we are old ladies!!

You know you have a true friend when after being graduated from high school for 7 years now we are still in touch and make an effort to see each other. I don’t talk to anyone else from high school except for my bff. Love you Andi!!

So many changes...

Noni is just growing up so fast. I can not believe how much she is going through right now. She is getting teeth in like all the time. Shes getting over a little cold. She is starting to say words like uh oh, ba-bye, hi, mommy and mama, dada, and la you. She is walking great but starting to run and she still falls a lot. Shes starting to do steps really well. She can walk down one with out holding on and with out falling. She understands so much of what I say and wants to follow the instructions that I give her. She wants to help me with everything which makes it take twice as long. She is starting to love books and really sits and looks at the pictures. Her hair is getting so long. We are not weaning yet but it is being thought about. (bitter sweet) She is just changing so much right in front of my eyes. Its amazing and beautiful to see.

I write this post though to express my empathy for her. She is going through so much and I forget that sometimes. I want to remember how hard it must be for her to not be able to express her opinion or communicate easily. I sort of know what she wants but sometimes I just don't. She doesn't understand why I want her to do something or why she can't do something else. She is curious, adventurous, and wants to do everything mommy does.

It is my goal as a mom to respect my children and their opinion. To validate every emotion good, bad, and ugly. Even at this young age she has a right to be heard and accepted. I read in one of the Sears books that it is okay to cry and get the emotion out. Just like you would for an adult, you let them cry but you are there to comfort them, not shush them.

I find myself allowing certain things Nonah does to bother me when I am around certain people, specifically the older generation, because I feel like they think Im not disciplining her enuogh. I feel like they are "right" when I am with them. I forget that wait a minute she is a person with feelings and opinions and has every right to not want to sit in the cart. Shes a toddler of course she wants to touch everything. The idea of talking to your child and telling them what the plan is instead of simply making them do it is so new to my mom. Communication is key in every relationship including parent child relationships. Then the whole spoiled thing...so what if she is spoiled shes my daughter and I can spoil her if I want to. Right?

I am so thankful that Peter is on the same page and is so sensitive to her. I come home after times of confusion and he brings me back to what we believe and have decided to do as parents. I love that he always makes me feel better. And I love my Noni girl!!

What is healthy?

I hear so many different sides to the same story and still can not figure out what is the truth. There is much talk about the vegetarian, vegan, and raw diet and how good it makes a person feel and in the long run it is so good for you to not eat animal products. Our body doesn’t need it we just think we need it. Or we are misinformed because the western culture has gone so off track with their eating habits. Then I hear that vegetarians are missing some vital nutrition and they actually do not live longer than us meat eaters.

I don’t know what to think. I know God created us to be vegetarians in the garden of eden but then because of the fall of man blood was shed and man began to eat meat. And then the rest is history. But what is best for us now? Certainly not Burger King. But now neither is the veggies you get at the grocery store because who knows what was sprayed on them or how long they‘ve been sitting there or where they even came from. You can’t trust anything anymore because so many people are just trying to make money and the result becomes not so important. They loose sight of the integrity of what they are selling.

Organic and local is the way to go right? I would love love love to go that route. I really would but the budget these days on a one income household just will not cover it. And my husband would love to also but it just seems impossible to eat all natural all the time. The other thing is breaking those old habits that you were raised on and that crap food that is just soooo good. Like cheese curls or bacon or ring bologna, ooo zebra cakes. Its hard to give up the convenience of fast/frozen food today. Preparing good fresh food is a commitment and lots of work. Many hours in the kitchen which is hard now with a little one.

We are taking baby steps though. We have been juicing for a few months now which is great for the whole family. We only eat a simple frozen meal once a week. We seriously never eat at fast food places except for an occasional taco bell because we both like it and its cheap. We don’t necessarily eat meat every single night even though my husband would prefer to. I don’t know I feel like we do pretty good. I just can not completely eliminate something for ever without having a really good reason.(ex. Celiac) I do feel convicted at times for what I eat but then I just let go and think we aren’t going to live forever right. I can do my best to eat healthy but I’m not going to stress about the occasional junk food binge. I’m just not.

Parenting Extremes (edited)

So I had two different experiences this weekend involving a parent and child relationship. I was saddened by one and frustrated by the other.
The first was at a cute little café my husband and I decided to go to on a rainy day. I wanted to drop Nonah off at my sister in laws but her son was sick so we decided to give it a try and just take her with. Well as soon as we sat down there was a little girl about 4 years old who came running from the back room. She ran up to Nonah and was giggling and touched her face and her hand and sort of hugged her and then went running back. Okay fine that was cute what a friendly girl right? Well she did it again and again and the dad who was on his cell phone proceeded to follow her and stand right by our table just watching his daughter touch and hug Nonah. He eventually grabbed a seat right next to us and started talking to us while Nonah and this girl banged on the window and followed each other around. Sounds fine right? Well if any of you know my husband you know that he’s not the sit-down-and-chat- with-a-stanger kind of guy. We were on a date ya know. We wanted to chat and bond and maybe hold hands and have an enjoyable family time but we couldn’t even talk without this guy hearing everything. And the little girl would not talk to me or say a word she just giggled. At one point Nonah tried to get away from her because she was just too much. Then she started banging on the window so of course Nonah did too which in a quiet little café was really loud.

So…we left feeling very annoyed and bummed. It just seemed like the dad had no say in the relationship. I’m all about gentle parenting I really am. I think communicating and explaining is important and a little give and take instead of all take is okay. But you don’t let your child do whatever they want, especially in a public place. I might not have minded as much if Peter wasn’t with me but I knew it was bothering him so it bothered me too.

Then I was at a children’s clothing sale where a mom was looking for her son. He was hiding in the clothing rack right in front of me and someone else pointed him out to her. Once he came out she proceeded to very loudly yell at him and tell him that that was not good and you don’t do that and you don’t get a toy and they were looking down stairs for him etc. He was crying and she said yes you should cry that was very bad.

So…I understand she was probably scared herself not knowing where her son was but how she handled it was obnoxious and made me sad. She made him feel horrible instead of explaining how she felt and why its not good to do that and humiliated him in front of everyone. I don’t know how I will handle it if I ever misplace my child but putting them down is not the best way.

I have been thinking a lot about discipline these days since I am at the beginning stages of it with Nonah and I am more and more feeling led to not spank. Peter and I are discussing it, thinking about it, and praying about it. It has been engrained in us that it is biblical and necessary to raise well behaved Godly children. So thinking of other ways is new for us but now that we have a child we have become very sensitive to her and her feelings, her needs, and her personality. It is so amazing to see not only how sensitive I am to Nonah and her cries but to see Peter be so sensitive to her sometimes even more than I am. It is so sweet. I just can not even imagine spanking her bare butt. It would break my heart and that there makes me wonder why I would do then. Now Im sure she is going to do some bad things in her life and need to be corrected and punished but we will have to come up with other ways to accomplish that. I still don’t know though. I have to be on the same page with Peter and we just don’t know what page that is yet. This is yet another stage to accept, process, and get through in parenting. I am learning so much.

This article has really opened my eyes and challenged what I once believed. Check it out. http://gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/elizabethp/p1.php

the last post contd...

More unknown. I'm so ready to have another baby but it just isn't happening. Every one says its from me still nursing and if I would just stop it would happen. But Im wondering if God is preventing me from getting pregnant for some unknown reason. Because wacky hormomes or not God could make it happen if he wanted to. Peter and I thought we would have all our kids close together and kind of get it done with. But our plan isn't working out the way we thought. Which is totally okay because I know know know Gods timing is perfect. And Im just not ready to stop nursing yet. I want to night wean but I want to do it gently. I really want to just follow Nonahs lead and let her nurse as long as she wants even if its another year. But Im just not sure I want to wait that long to get pregnant. I do feel some pressure from family to stop nursing but Im trying to ignore that and listen to my own instincts and Nonahs. In the big picture she will be done nursing really soon maybe I just need to wait. See I feel better already.

My mom said something to me this week when I was venting to her. She said stop trying to plan and just live. As much as we aren't planners I do over think things sometimes, well alot of the time. I need to just enjoy this time while it lasts. So thanks mom.

Oh yea, the church we visited last week was great. Seems very holy spirit driven and worshipful which is what we were looking for. But you can't always tell from the first impression so we will be going back again this week. I'm praying it will be a good fit. We'll see.

Uhhhh, this life is so crazy but I love it. Im gonna live it up!