Sunday, April 10, 2011
Guilty
I have been dealing with guilt a lot these days. I feel like such a failure all the time. I feel guilty for: -being too tired to play with Noni -not having energy to exercise -eating too much junk food -not spending enough time with God (praying, seeking Him, reading the word) -not cooking like I used, I hate it anymore -not spending time with Peter and loving Him like I should -not going to church and when I do I don't like it -not being content with my life and my role as SAHM -loosing my temper with Noni way too much -not being able to read an entire book cover to cover -relying on caffiene to get me through the day -for every parenting choice I make because theres a million articles out there saying Im doing at least one thing wrong if not everything Okay I probably could go on if I wanted to but these are just a few. Parenting is hard. Being pregnant is hard and doing the two at the same time is the hardest work I have ever done. I know parenting has made me a better person, I have grown and changed so much but sometimes I feel like the worst person in the world to be doing this job. Should I feel guilty for these things? Maybe but maybe not. I am working through these things and I wish I had some inspirational way of saying its okay and Im all better. But I don't Im a mom and all you moms out there Im sure can relate, this is a season and Im getting through it the best I can. Sometimes failing sometimes succeeding. I am going to accept the fact that I am not perfect.
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Oh brother I wrote you this long comment, and didn't save it.
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1)Being pregnant while parenting a little is HARD. SO HARD.
2)No one died of too many nights of cold cereal and scrambled eggs. Don't sweat it. Really.
3) becoming a parent of 2 (or 3, 4 or just MORE) is hard...It's realizing that you'll never always be enough to go around, and that's okay. It's humbling, frustrating, infuriating, heartbreaking, and also just FREEING to embrace that.
4) right now your priority is keeping Noni fed and safe, and getting as much rest as you need. If that means fudging your ideals: go for it...Learn now, because it'll be even worse when you are trying to nurse a baby and can't get up to redirect.
As long as it's not (TRULY) dangerous, morally wrong (which there isn't much on that front at 20mos) BREATH and turn a blind eye. Really. If it's messy, but entertaining her, let her be... Let P clean it up when he gets home.
5) In the first trimester you are working as hard as a football player playing a HARD, when you are simply laying down! That's how much energy you are using on top of parenting a toddler (and I'll be honest 17-22mos is my LEAST favorite age, it gets easier! The whining, the tantrums...It's like a flip switches when they get more words, it's a beautiful thing.)
All that to say, you're doing great! Keep up the great work, you'll be okay...It'll get easier, and then it'll get worse, and then it'll be lovely...And then some thing new. You know corkscrew and then add a new little to it. It's hard, but you're doing great. Grace is for Mamas too.
Sigh, my last comment was so much more eloquent.
*nurse and almost to sleep baby who desperately needs a nap. ;0)
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