I want a baby. I do. Just to catch you up I am a mama of one baby girl who is 17 months old and is my world right now. But I want a baby. I have felt “ready” for another baby since Nonah was 5 months old. Yes 5 months. Call me crazy but my husband was ready too. We wanted our kids to be close together in age and in a sense we thought why not just get it done with. If you have one in diapers whats one more. So we have been so-called trying for a year now. Exactly a year and no baby. I assume it is because I am still nursing my girl and my hormones are still messed up. I guess that’s what it is so until Im done nursing Im trying not to worry about it.
Funny thing is. Just last week I met 2 mamas of little girls in the same week who have decided to not have any more kids. They only want one. They like their rhythm and life as it is. One baby a mom and a dad. I was a little shocked at first at the thought of that but have got to thinking… My number has definitely dropped from 4 or 5 kids to 2 or 3 kids. I am scared at times of the thought of another and how it would change our whole dynamic and totally rock Nonahs world. I would love for Nonah to be my number one forever but if I have other kids she would have to share that. Then I feel like I heard God speaking to me about our future and reminding me of a prophetic word we have over us.
“I see young people around you, lots of young people surrounding you. There are many sons and daughters He is going to bring your way. Many, many that you will raise, that you will build, that you will heal.”
The thought came to me that maybe we won’t have many of our own kids because we will have many other kids either through a ministry of our own or someone elses. Who knows.
I am not saying we are not having more kids, I still want a baby but God has been speaking to me recently and giving me peace about this. I have been realizing I need to just live in the present, enjoy my time with my girl and leave the rest up to Him. It will happen if its supposed to. I truly believe that. So will we have 1? 5? Or 25? babies? Only HE knows!!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Stretching
I'm not only talking about muscle stretching. I do stretch my muscles almost every day because I love it. I feel refreshed and rejuvinated. But Im talking about stretching everything else. My mind, my imagination, my patience, my creativity, my attention span, my faith. UH anything and everything has been and is being stretched this winter. As much as we all don't like being stretched while we are in the midst of it I am kind of glad. A friend of mine calls it character building. There is a freshness afterwards, a lesson learned, or a trait gained. I am learning how to rely on Gods strength to get me through these times instead of "things." I am learning to recognize when I am not handleing myself the way I want to and asking God for help.
You may be wondering what I am referring to. Some examples of how I am being stretched are: not being able to get my to do list done in a day simply because Noni needs my attention, or trying to come up with ways to entertain Noni, or letting her help with a task when I really don't want to, or finding fun inexpensive things to do for my family in the winter, or financial struggles, or our home not selling, dreams seeming impossible, passions of mine that I don't have time to pursue, and probably a lot more things. There is so much I want to do in a day and I just don't get to because of all the practical things that need my attention and I just get too exhausted mentally and physically.
I want to share a quote with you from Boho Girls blog . I have been following her blog for quite some time now and if you haven't you need to check it out. She seems like the sweetest, gentlest, most down to earth mama and I would love to meet her someday. Her words are so real and this quote has truly encouraged me today to simply be a MOTHER to NONAH. Thats my job right now and the other things don't matter.
"When I surrender to motherhood fully and am present to these little ones, it seems like more doors open, more time appears, more creativity flows. My energy level rises. When I struggle with it, which is necessary to do and it part of our work, I am blocked and unhappy and tired."
Another quote from her that is so well put and speaks to me in so many levels right now.
"I have SO many dreams. I am a dreamer. And for five years, I shared in this space another dream. That dream was to be a mother. That is one dream I AM living. So with this one dream of mine to be the mother that Cedar needs, there may be other dreams that will still be in my heart but will patiently wait until I have the time and space to nurture them. It could be in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years but they will be given wings to fly."
I have dreams of my own for myself, my family and for me and Peter as a couple and sometimes I get so bogged down thinking about the fact that they are so not possible right now. But thats okay. I need to accept that and allow those dreams to wait there turn. I need to accept the dream that I am living right now which is being a mother. and a wife. What an amazing dream fulfilled. I am so blessed.
So thank you Boho Girl for your encouraging words and I thank God for using this amazing blogging world to speak to me and encourage my heart. Be blessed mamas!!
Some snapshots of my Noni-girl, my dream come true!
You may be wondering what I am referring to. Some examples of how I am being stretched are: not being able to get my to do list done in a day simply because Noni needs my attention, or trying to come up with ways to entertain Noni, or letting her help with a task when I really don't want to, or finding fun inexpensive things to do for my family in the winter, or financial struggles, or our home not selling, dreams seeming impossible, passions of mine that I don't have time to pursue, and probably a lot more things. There is so much I want to do in a day and I just don't get to because of all the practical things that need my attention and I just get too exhausted mentally and physically.
I want to share a quote with you from Boho Girls blog . I have been following her blog for quite some time now and if you haven't you need to check it out. She seems like the sweetest, gentlest, most down to earth mama and I would love to meet her someday. Her words are so real and this quote has truly encouraged me today to simply be a MOTHER to NONAH. Thats my job right now and the other things don't matter.
"When I surrender to motherhood fully and am present to these little ones, it seems like more doors open, more time appears, more creativity flows. My energy level rises. When I struggle with it, which is necessary to do and it part of our work, I am blocked and unhappy and tired."
Another quote from her that is so well put and speaks to me in so many levels right now.
"I have SO many dreams. I am a dreamer. And for five years, I shared in this space another dream. That dream was to be a mother. That is one dream I AM living. So with this one dream of mine to be the mother that Cedar needs, there may be other dreams that will still be in my heart but will patiently wait until I have the time and space to nurture them. It could be in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years but they will be given wings to fly."
I have dreams of my own for myself, my family and for me and Peter as a couple and sometimes I get so bogged down thinking about the fact that they are so not possible right now. But thats okay. I need to accept that and allow those dreams to wait there turn. I need to accept the dream that I am living right now which is being a mother. and a wife. What an amazing dream fulfilled. I am so blessed.
So thank you Boho Girl for your encouraging words and I thank God for using this amazing blogging world to speak to me and encourage my heart. Be blessed mamas!!
Some snapshots of my Noni-girl, my dream come true!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Some "Things"
This isn't a pitty party I promise. We all have our struggles and "things" we deal with on a daily basis and this is just a few of mine. It's healing for me to talk about it and write about it here. Away of processing and dealing and healing.
Communication
It works wonders. It truly truly does. My heart has been heavy for a few days in a row and I just couldn’t kick it. I was praying and praying and trying to forgive and forget. There was an incident that happened and sort of set me off and made me mad and I just held on to it and kept thinking about it.
All I had to do was talk about it. In a marriage or any relationship communication is so so important. I used to hear that all the time when I first got married. I agreed with them but didn’t really know what they meant. Now 5 years in I totally know what they mean. It can take me some time to get around to talking about it but once I do its like a huge weight lifted. Sigh. All better. Its not like the problem or situation is solved or fixed or taken away it just is okay. It becomes bearable. I wish I would learn to just talk about it immediately and not have to deal with the weight of it and how it makes me think evil things and just loose sight of what is really important and that is letting it go. Just let it go!!
Peter and I hardly ever fight. We have disagreements but not fights. Here of late though we have been struggling to communicate. Its like we can’t truly talk and connect when are Noni girl is awake because shes so distracting and we are so involved with her. We can’t just tune her out and not pay attention to her so we can have an normal adult conversation. We just can’t do that. So we are trying to find ways to connect not just when she is sleeping but when she is awake as well. I’ll take any suggestions you have mamas. How to stay connected.
How I feel
I have been feeling so frustrated these days with family. We (me and Peter) are so different from most of our family and don’t feel truly close to any of them. I don’t feel like I can truly be myself around them and therefore they don’t really know the real me. I am a sensitive person and take things personally. I am a people pleaser and I don’t like conflict at all. When I’m understood I feel loved. So when I know there is differences between me and someone else I feel unsettled and unloved. I eventually get over it I guess but in the moment it really effects me. I want to be able to look past the “issues” right away and just love. I want to love others the way I want to be loved. But no one loves me the way I want to be loved.
When I think about my family my heart just aches. I’m jealous of families who seem to get along really great, and love and accepts their differences, and have so much fun together.
Oh yea and cabin fever. I am sooo looking forward to this spring and summer. But also trying to be creative with my time this winter.
Communication
It works wonders. It truly truly does. My heart has been heavy for a few days in a row and I just couldn’t kick it. I was praying and praying and trying to forgive and forget. There was an incident that happened and sort of set me off and made me mad and I just held on to it and kept thinking about it.
All I had to do was talk about it. In a marriage or any relationship communication is so so important. I used to hear that all the time when I first got married. I agreed with them but didn’t really know what they meant. Now 5 years in I totally know what they mean. It can take me some time to get around to talking about it but once I do its like a huge weight lifted. Sigh. All better. Its not like the problem or situation is solved or fixed or taken away it just is okay. It becomes bearable. I wish I would learn to just talk about it immediately and not have to deal with the weight of it and how it makes me think evil things and just loose sight of what is really important and that is letting it go. Just let it go!!
Peter and I hardly ever fight. We have disagreements but not fights. Here of late though we have been struggling to communicate. Its like we can’t truly talk and connect when are Noni girl is awake because shes so distracting and we are so involved with her. We can’t just tune her out and not pay attention to her so we can have an normal adult conversation. We just can’t do that. So we are trying to find ways to connect not just when she is sleeping but when she is awake as well. I’ll take any suggestions you have mamas. How to stay connected.
How I feel
I have been feeling so frustrated these days with family. We (me and Peter) are so different from most of our family and don’t feel truly close to any of them. I don’t feel like I can truly be myself around them and therefore they don’t really know the real me. I am a sensitive person and take things personally. I am a people pleaser and I don’t like conflict at all. When I’m understood I feel loved. So when I know there is differences between me and someone else I feel unsettled and unloved. I eventually get over it I guess but in the moment it really effects me. I want to be able to look past the “issues” right away and just love. I want to love others the way I want to be loved. But no one loves me the way I want to be loved.
When I think about my family my heart just aches. I’m jealous of families who seem to get along really great, and love and accepts their differences, and have so much fun together.
Oh yea and cabin fever. I am sooo looking forward to this spring and summer. But also trying to be creative with my time this winter.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Life Long Resolution
This is something I will be working on for the rest of my life but is seriously important to me right now. I want to be a positive. I want my kids to see me as an over all happy, glass half full, positive mama. God please help me!!
Read Gypsy Girls Guide and be encouraged, inspired, and blessed!
Read Gypsy Girls Guide and be encouraged, inspired, and blessed!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
*Dreads*
Im feeling lots of things on this first week of 2011. I feel so completely blessed with everything I could ever want. Im feeling a lot more deeper personal things too that I am processing and will hopefully share here soon. But on a lighter note. An update on my dreads!
Its been 5 months now. My dreads are felting up very well. There are still little things that drive me nuts about them but Im still in love with them. Its so easy to take care of which a lot of people don’t realize, they think it would be hard to maintain. Or they think we don't do anything to them. Sometimes I forget that I have them and that they aren’t normal. They are just part of me now. I do have my moments of frustration and self consciousness. It comes and gos usually pretty quickly. Peter is my biggest support. He loves and makes me love them even more. He reminds me how cool they are and that its okay if they are sticking out kind of crazy because there’s nothing I can do about it.
I am collecting hair scarves and headbands since I still don’t feel comfortable wearing them down with nothing in them. I have plans to die a few (or all I don’t know yet) and maybe put in some fun threads. We’ll see. So many options! Noni tries to comb them and often touches and plays with them.
Peter just rolled them for me, thats the only time I like them down.
Its been 5 months now. My dreads are felting up very well. There are still little things that drive me nuts about them but Im still in love with them. Its so easy to take care of which a lot of people don’t realize, they think it would be hard to maintain. Or they think we don't do anything to them. Sometimes I forget that I have them and that they aren’t normal. They are just part of me now. I do have my moments of frustration and self consciousness. It comes and gos usually pretty quickly. Peter is my biggest support. He loves and makes me love them even more. He reminds me how cool they are and that its okay if they are sticking out kind of crazy because there’s nothing I can do about it.
I am collecting hair scarves and headbands since I still don’t feel comfortable wearing them down with nothing in them. I have plans to die a few (or all I don’t know yet) and maybe put in some fun threads. We’ll see. So many options! Noni tries to comb them and often touches and plays with them.
Peter just rolled them for me, thats the only time I like them down.
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